The Osbournes
Dinner With Ozzy

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My Dinner With Ozzy

Ozzy camera-talks that his lifestyle has not hindered his ability to be a father because he's not like the delivery boy who wrote his songs in the back of the kitchen. Huh? He realizes he's making no sense, and just explains that he means he used to take the kids on tour with him. Ah.

Now Sharon reads that they've been invited on a two-week cruise, and Jack says he's going but Kelly won't go. She doesn't think you can shit on a boat, just like you can't shit on a airplane and a tour bus. (That's one thing I can't understand -- how we can go to the fucking moon, land on Mars, split the atom, but we can't figure out how to let poor rock bands go number two on their tour buses.) The Fam all yells that you can too shit on an airplane; Jack mocks that they're going to go two weeks on a boat without shitting. Jack then sees his Great Love Dill and asks if he wants to go on a sea cruise with him. (Ooh wee. Ooh wee, baby.) Sharon adds that only if he doesn't take a shit on the boat. Dill is confused, as usual.

Ozzy eats, telling us that with music, he always wanted to do something that made his parents proud of him. He says that he's "incredibly dyslexic." He says that he also has…um…um. Ozzy suddenly just stops. He finally says, "My attention span is very short, what do you call that?" Hee. He reaches for his Diet Coke In A Wine Glass. "Whatever," he adds. Man, you couldn't write that line in a sitcom and get away with it; it would be too cheesy and unbelievable, but somehow it works when Ozzy says it.

We get a montage of Ozzy going, "Who?" and "What?" and "When?" and "Who was that?" and finally, "Who? What? When?" Hee.

Finally, Ozzy remembers and says, "Major attention deficit disorder." Ozzy looks confused as we go to commercials.

Back. House. Night. Ozzy tells us that Jack is a very good boy…sometimes…compared to him. We see Jack in his full Army get-up. Ozzy goes on that at Jack's age, Ozzy was drinking massive amounts of alcohol, smoking pot, and doing speed…and he bit the heads off of several creatures. He says later you go, "Man, what was wrong with me, man?"

At the front porch, Jack is in his get-up; Kelly brats that fifteen-year-old boys should not be walking around with rifles and knives. Jack, very smartly, asks if Kelly has ever been a fifteen-year-old boy. Kelly tells him to shut up. They immediately talk about a time when Jack shot Kelly, and Jack wonders why she still gets so angry about something that happened six years ago. Kelly's poor friend walks away as fast as possible, getting out of Jack's gun range. Kelly says she's mad because he shot her. "Yeah, what's your point?" asks Jack. Jack says it was a pellet the size of a rock (uh, yeah, that's what a bullet is) and Kelly says that it went through her leg. Jack says that Kelly laughed when Jack got smacked in the face with a baseball bat. "Because it was funny," Kelly responds, quite logically.

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The Osbournes




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