The Osbournes
Dinner With Ozzy

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My Dinner With Ozzy

Ozzy again. He tells us that Kelly doesn't take after Sharon and doesn't take after him either. "She's just Kelly." Kelly cuddles on Mom and says, "That's your stomach and you just farted." Sharon says she didn't fart, that it was lower. "What's here?" asks Sharon. "Your vagina," says Kelly. Sharon and Ozzy both groan and say that she said that word again. "You should have been called Vagina Osbourne," says Sharon. Kelly then licks her finger and wipes it under Sharon's nose. Sharon says, "Kelly, that has to be…right," and she sticks her hand down her pants and starts chasing her daughter with her finger out. That's the grossest thing I've ever seen. Ozzy just sits and watches, scratching his head. Jack, from somewhere, says, "You're fucking disgusting." Now Ozzy is amused and Kelly yells, "She stuck her finger in her vagina and she's going to wipe it on me!" Sharon then stops and says, "Didn't Mariah Carey just do that in Cribs?" Oh, man, that's some funny shit! Sharon then washes her hands and we fade to commercials. What a funny family. The great thing is that all of them are both amusing as people, in their un-self-conscious behavior, and funny ha-ha when they're trying to be.

Back. Ozzy. The shot is upside down now as he says that people think he lives in a Bavarian castle, hanging upside down with the rest of the bats. He says that he does chores like everyone else because he comes from a working-class background.

Whistling music plays as Ozzy grinds coffee, staring into space. Now he loads firewood onto a wheelbarrow…he runs into a trash can. Hee.

Kitchen. Kelly begs Sharon not to make microwave popcorn because she can't stand the smell of it. What? How could Ozzy say that freak didn't take after her mother? Now Ozzy puts the popcorn bag into the microwave and hits some buttons. He waits right in front of the microwave, his arms crossed, starring into the machine. He's leaning against it. "Nothing's fucking happening, Sharon," he says. He takes the bag out and stares at it. Sharon takes it and tells him to put it in for three and a half minutes. Ozzy tries again. He watches, waiting, getting pissed, looking around. Finally he says, "Fucking space-aged crap," and walks away. Hee.

Dinner room. A waiter puts down food and Ozzy asks, "What the hell's that?" The waiter lisps, "It's a blueberry tureen." Now Ozzy tells us that often he'll be talking and the Fam will just walk right past him, and he feels invisible.

We see him outside saying, "It was so funny, Sharon, when Martin --"and Sharon is closing the door, already inside (Pipi is jumping up and down on his hind legs -- so glad Pipi is home). Ozzy mutters that he'll just talk to himself then. Ozzy has a little jokey conversation with himself, asking how he's doing and saying he looks nice. Hee.

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The Osbournes

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