The Osbournes
Fists Of Fury

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Jack and the Mean Stalk

Is it weird that I really like that Beyonce video? I don't even like Beyonce. I really don't like Jay-Z. However, I think it may be the best song ever written. What has happened to me?

Ozzy is in the kitchen, fussing with the trash. He pulls out a balloon, wondering why would someone put a balloon in the trash. He mumbles and then pops the balloon. "Burst the fucking thing," he says. This first segment is very much like Liz Phair these days: openly desperate, pathetically forced, trying to recapture lightning in a bottle, and yet for some reason, it still works a little bit. But oh Lord, how I am so sick of the Boys With Avids doubling or even faking audio to create comedy. Please stop, Boys. Every time, you make the baby Jesus weep.

This episode is called "Fists of Fury." Garden. Fish. Geese. Flowers. A "No Smoking" sign. Sharon is getting made up. She's telling the women who have to take the bus up to Sharon's house to fix her face and clean up the house how she's going to Hawaii with Ozzy for four days of vacation. She jokingly worries about hurricanes. Meanwhile, these women who make seven bucks an hour now also have to pretend to give a shit. That's just messed up. Women pack Sharon's clothes. A little puppy plays on the bed; then Lola jumps up and growls at the thing, making it cower. The maid says, "Please be nice to the baby." "Okay, sorry," says Lola.

Downstairs, dogs crowd around Kelly and then start fighting. Kelly pulls Lola off and then picks up one of the dogs. Six other dogs jump at Kelly's feet, wanting to eat the other dog. "Oh my God," says Kelly, taking the dog outside.

In the kitchen, Ozzy tells Jack that for the next few months there is a curfew, in that he can't bring people over to the house after 11 PM. Jack, terrified, wonders if it means he has to be home at 11. Ozzy says no, but if he comes home after 11, he can't bring "half of the Rainbow" home with him. (He's referring to a Sunset Strip club here, folks. It took me a minute to figure it out too.)

Huge walk-in closet. Sharon and Bitch Boy. Sharon is looking for a black bag with a hard bottom and two handles. Bitch Boy climbs on a ladder and pulls out black bag with a hard bottom and two handles after black bag with a hard bottom and two handles. None of them is the one Sharon's looking for. Finally, Sharon just walks away, saying, "Fuck it, Tone." Ha

Jack. On phone. He's inviting people over to the party he's not allowed to have while Ozzy and Sharon are in Hawaii. He says, "We're going to have a whole bunch of individual single Jewish women come over and get super-drunk." He asks the girl on the other end if she has a curfew and she says, "No. Not at all." Man, it is so easy to be popular when you're rich and have a nice pool. Seriously. I'm pretty sure that's all it takes. I need me a pool.

A maid shows Ozzy some clothes. He says they aren't his. Wow. Good scene.

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The Osbournes

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