The Osbournes
Fists Of Fury

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Jack and the Mean Stalk

Jack yells to Dave that he never touched Kelly. INTERCUT: Between Jack at the pool recounting to Dave what happened, and Kelly upstairs in bed with Bad Nanny, doing the same thing. Kelly says Jack did deserve it. Jack says Kelly's ring cut his face open. Kelly says that Jack is a selfish asshole. Jack says, "I will punch her in the face. I will knock the bitch out." (God, being in America is just terrible for these kids. They should really go back to England as soon as possible.) Kelly says Jack has no fucking life. Jack says that Kelly's issues go way deeper than normal childhood angst. Kelly is now laughing. She wonders why her brother has to be such a selfish douchebag all the time. Commercials.

House. Night. Bad Nanny runs crying to Sharon, calling her on the phone in Hawaii. God. It must be late there. Sharon gets on the phone and asks Kelly what happened. Kelly says they got into the biggest fight and it was insane. Downstairs, Robert tells Jack that Sharon is on the phone with Kelly. Jack picks up the phone, and Kelly is still talking about how Bad Nanny asked them to be quiet, and Jack said it's a Friday night and then he asked to be hit, so she hit him. Jack busts in and says he's tired of Kelly's bullshit. But none of what she said was a lie! There is yelling, and finally Sharon asks where Kelly hit him, and she says, "In the face." Jack says he has two cuts on his face. Kelly goes on that there are drunk people with their girlfriends sleeping here and Jack has turned it into the Osbourne Inn. Then she calls it Club Osbourne and I really wish she'd get her names straight. It's confusing me -- Club Jack, Osbourne Inn, Club Osbourne. You should pick just one name for the invitations. Now Jack goes off about how opening up someone's face is not what a normal person does. Kelly says Sharon would have hit Jack too. The Boys With Avids fake Ozzy yelling, "Sharon!" and she says she has to go and hangs up.

Robert asks if Jack's okay, and he finally sees the cuts on Jack's face. Upstairs, Kelly laughs to Bad Nanny and David, and they all start joking about the meaning of life, and David points out that it's 4:30 in the morning. If this is Bad Nanny's room, it's pretty fucked up that they keep her in this tiny servant room, but damn, it's funny. "Why don't we go for round two," Bad Nanny unwisely jokes.

Jack arrives in Bad Nanny's peasant room and says that Kelly has a problem resorting to violence, because that's all she really has. Kelly retorts that he has a problem with listening. Jack then yells that he was just getting out of the pool at the time and putting his "dressing gown" on. Hee. Dressing gown! Dork. He dorks out even more by saying that Kelly had to "confrontate" him. Man, I think that boy better get back in school. Kelly then says he told her to hit him, so she did -- and Jack better not tell her to do stuff that he's not prepared for. Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever, but whatever. They're too rich to have to make sense. Jack goes off, saying "confrontate" two more times. No one corrects him -- not because they don't want to interrupt, but because I don't think any of them knows that it's not a real word. Jack asks some question that makes no sense, so Kelly just responds with, "You are so selfish." Jack retorts that no, she is the selfish one. Suddenly, Robert gets on the intercom and says that there is a drunk Mexican named Jose with his girlfriend who he just let in because they need a place to crash. Okay, that's kind of funny. They all take a quick beat, and go right back to arguing.

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The Osbournes




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