Sharon and Kelly. Sharon asks where Kelly is going. She's going to Philly for three days to see Burt on his tour bus. Sharon says she's eighteen and can go, but she has to take somebody with her. Kelly wants to take BadDrummerSarah, but Sharon says Sarah will just "get naked." That's not something we want to see. Kelly screams that she's not taking a security guard and that she has a life and she doesn't want to be in prison. "You cannot do that to me." Sharon then goes totally passive-aggressive and says they'll just put her in a dirty Yellow Cab alone and he'll take the longest way to the airport and no one will meet her and she'll have people go through her bags and then she'll sit in the middle of four people at the back of the plane. Fuck off -- that's called Air Travel For The Non-Wealthy, lady. But when Kelly hears how the rest of us live, she gets down on her knees and begs her mom not to do that to her. She goes on that she doesn't need a security guard with her, and Sharon passive-aggressives that she doesn't think she needs one either -- that she should experience life. Sharon says she should also go backpacking around the world for a year, or go to Thailand or India or Korea. Kelly says, "I fucking hate Korea." They keep going on like this for a while, Kelly quickly losing any sympathy the audience had for her. Sharon talks about how they all have to get back to basics and that Kelly should stay in a Motel 6 in Philly. Kelly says she's going to get a suite at the Four Seasons. Kelly says she hasn't showered in three days (ew), and Sharon says she hopes she doesn't have her period (double ew). You know what? If I had tubs and showers and swimming pools like these fuckers do, I would live in water. I'd be like Aquaman, but without the ability to control fish, or the gayness. Sharon says she hopes Kelly can arrange to have her period "whilst" on the tour bus. Kelly throws something at Sharon. Sharon cackles. I realize that Sharon's laugh sounds exactly like the laugh of a girl I used to date. Maybe that's why I both sort of hate her and find her fascinating. And why I find myself yelling, "You don't understand me!" every time she comes on the screen.
Sharon does Ozzy's hair (I guess they've hit hard times and have had to cut back) as Kelly asks Ozzy if she should get a nose ring. The parents think it's "dated." Ha. Good parental reason against a piercing: because it's so out. They warn her against getting someone's name tattooed on her body. Ozzy says, "Burt," very happy with himself for remembering her boyfriend's name. But then his lucidity goes away as he asks her not to get a tattoo and she says, "I already have a tattoo, Dad." "Oh," says Ozzy. Don't worry, Ozzy, we totally forgot that episode, too. Commercials.
House. Day. A Indian-ish statue. Sharon needs it put in the garden. Robert and Jack say they don't need Bitch Boy's help. "Fuck Dave," says Robert to Sharon's suggestion of helpers, and they pick it up themselves. They struggle to get it outside and finally put it down, miraculously avoiding stepping in dog shit (they must have some worker hired specifically to pick up dog shit the minute it hits the grass -- like a ball boy at Wimbledon). Then Sharon changes her mind and they pick it up again, remembering to lift "from the knees." Then Sharon changes her mind again and they move the heavy statue once more. Sharon changes her mind yet again, and they refuse and she laughs. We do not.