The Osbournes
Flea's A Crowd

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A Flea In Her Ear

Kelly returns from her trip to show Sharon her new nose piercing! Sharon says it looks like a "boogie" on the side of her nose. Kelly says she likes it; it's not black -- it's just got blood on it. Kelly says, "It's cute. I'm young." That's the best line of the night, right there. Sharon is bummed and tries to get her to take it out. Kelly refuses. Sharon says she'll be upset as she gets older and there is a big hole in her nose. "You'll be heartbroken," she says. Sharon asks and Kelly refuses three times. Sharon says it will close if she takes it out now, and Kelly yells, "I'm eighteen. There is nothing you can do." She says she's going to get a chain from her nose to ear. Nothing works, so Sharon finally plays the "wait until your father sees it" card.

CUT TO: Ozzy, like any other stern father, in the middle of getting make-up put on. Make-up guy asks if Ozzy likes Kelly's nose ring. I'm pretty sure this is fake, because when Ozzy says, "Kelly got a nose ring?" the guy does a terrible fake take to the camera and then mumbles, "Uh...I don't know." "Fucking hell," reads Ozzy.

New furniture is delivered. Ozzy watches. Music plays. Ozzy watches. Wicker. Stone tables. Money being thrown away.

Now the 2001: A Space Odyssey music plays as Ozzy sits. Then we pan over to a big giant bronze sculpture of a hand, sitting in the kitchen. Some real Tennessee Williams-ish art dealer guy stands there holding onto it. It goes on. Ozzy stares. The music plays. The camera pivots. Whatever, Boys With Avids. Whatever.

Day. House. Bad Nanny sits in the new furniture. A big designer lady says she's disinfected to try to make the dogs not want to sit/pee/poo on the couches. She also says that the colors are "scrumptious" with the tile. The dogs all sit outside at the door, waiting to sit/pee/poo on the couches. That's pretty funny. Ozzy smiles that things are going to fucking change. No, they're not. Sharon yells that this is the way they have chosen to live, and at least for now they won't be smelling like piss or have flea bites. For now.

CUT TO: Ozzy sits with a towel over the couch where someone has pissed. He makes an alarm noise and holds Martin down, asking if he pissed. Ozzy then tries to get out of the couch and can't. Hee. But also: you could shoot the same show at an Old Folks' Home and get the same great comic moments, like Stray Pee and Forgot How To Drink From A Cup and Can't Get Up From The Couch. You could save a lot of money, MTV. Think about it. Ozzy says the couch is like a Venus Flytrap.

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The Osbournes

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