The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

It's so nice to finally be recapping a show that people actually talk about. Sure, for a while there people would discuss Mandy's endless ho-ishness on Temptation Island, but I swear I couldn't get a "hell yeah, I watched The $treet last night!" even if I was hanging out at the Darren Star production offices. So this is nice. Sure, the show takes even longer to recap with the constant rewinding and calling people into the room to ask what the fucking hell Ozzy is mumbling about, but it's all worth it when I visit the sick kids and they tell me how much my recaps mean to them. Yup, I do it all for the sick kids.

The house. Ozzy. Someone asks him if as a kid he thought he'd be a rock star. He says that he wanted to be a plumber. The unseen interviewer laughs.

Credits! I love this, what I'm under the impression is Pat Boone's version of Crazy Train. It's very catchy. Even the stills they pick of the four of them are very funny.

"For The Record" is this sequence. Ozzy, sitting on the couch in a black tee and underwear, yawns, "My record's out tonight, Kel." Kelly yawns back that she knows, as if Ozzy is any normal parent and they just revealed that they have a report due at work tomorrow. Ozzy then stands up and hikes his underwear up and dances, making Kelly laugh. Their relationship is cute. But then the fun is over as Ozzy turns and screams down the hall for Sharon to hurry up picking out clothes for him. "Please, Sharon! What the fuck are you doing? I'm standing here like a stripper with no clothes on!" Sharon brings out clothes, and Ozzy immediately starts complaining that he doesn't like them. "It's very flamboyant." She tells him to shut up. He yells again, "But I don't like it, okay!" He tries it on anyway. Kelly helpfully says that the jacket is very "Ricky Martin." Ozzy again calls it flamboyant and takes the jacket off. He call the clothes "crap" (or says it's a "crapshoot") and then steals Kelly's line and asks the camera if he looks like Ricky Martin on his day off. I get the feeling Ozzy doesn't even know who Ricky Martin is. (Ooh, Ozzy should do a cover of "La Vida Loca"! That would rule.) He screams again that he's not going to wear these clothes and asks the cameraman if he looks effeminate. "No. 'Rock star,'" corrects Sharon. It's so funny how Ozzy, totally outnumbered in the house, has begun to appeal to the cameraman in arguments, trying to get him on his side. When Sharon answers, Ozzy then tells the cameraman how it's amazing that he (the cameraman, that is) can throw his voice and make it sound like Sharon is answering. Hee. Sharon puts her face in her hands. (Which sounds pretty terrifying when you think about it, but her face is still attached to her head, so it's okay.) Sharon then tells him he has one more outfit to try on. He flips her off as she walks away, quickly, as if worried that she'll see him. Hee.

Man, the change in Ozzy over the years. He once tried reportedly to kill Sharon, and now he's doddering around afraid that she'll see him give her the finger. Wonderful.

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The Osbournes

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