The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Hee. Now Kelly is down at the salon as Sharon sits in the chair. Sharon demands that Kelly show it to her. She does. The hair lady keeps babbling, saying that it's very tiny. "Is it crooked?" asks Sharon. Hee. Kelly says no, and they all look.

Now Ozzy stands shirtless, his many tattoos on display. He gives advice about tattoos to us, saying that if you want to be unique, don't get a tattoo, because everyone has one. While he talks, he fingers a tattoo of a rose with "Sharon" written underneath. The rose is a good symbol for Sharon. Of course I mean just the thorn part.

Now Kelly tells Sharon that she likes the tattoo, and Sharon asks who did it. Kelly won't name names because she thinks Sharon will sue. Yeah, or break knees.

Ozzy is still rambling, telling us that his father went crazy when he saw Ozzy's first tattoo. Great, okay, thanks, Ozzy.

Sharon asks if Kelly did it because she's mad at them. Kelly says no. Hey, Sharon. Maybe Kelly did it because we model our parents' behavior and her dad is Ozzy fucking Osbourne! ["I guess that makes my dad Tommy Lee. Hee." -- Sars] Kelly goes on that all her friends got the same tattoo.

Ozzy's still in the kitchen talking, now telling us that Kelly's wasn't that bad. He was afraid it was going to be a big fucking eagle on her ass. He folds his arms, done with us.

Next time! Sharon talks about how you never realize what the neighbor from hell is until you have one. I guess their neighbors are loud. Someone says that the neighbor sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West. Sharon says, throwing a rotten ham over the fence, "The Wicked Witch has got nothing on me!" Jack yells over the fence for them to shut the fuck up -- smiling and loving it the whole time. Hee. This is great! Ozzy Osbourne's family being disturbed by loud neighbors. Brilliant. A sitcom writer could never have made this up. Jack throws something off the balcony. Ozzy, doing something in the kitchen, says, "If they want a fucking war, we've got to give them one." "Not wood, Ozzy! Ozzy!" yells Sharon as Ozzy throws a fucking huge piece of firewood over the fence. Glass breaks! Ozzy broke a window! He dodders out, trying to run away. Hee. And then Jack says the cops are there! Ha! Inside, Sharon talks to a cop, who says they're going to have to "plead [their] case in front of a judge." Yeah!

Love this show. The ratings keep going up, too! We're in the salad days, folks. Enjoy it.

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The Osbournes

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