The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Now Jack, Sharon, and Kelly sit on the front stoop waiting to be picked up. Sharon says, "Doesn't he look handsome." "Shut the fuck up!" says Ozzy. Kelly says that's very nice as Sharon repeats that he looks "gorgeous."

The limo arrives. They get in. Ozzy immediately starts grousing that he hates "these stretch bastards." Man alive. Ozzy is like a five-year-old. (I don't understand how they survived having Sharon be both wife and manager. Usually the wife is the one you come home to and bitch about the stupid shit your manager is making you do, and then you go complain to your manager about your wife. Poor Ozzy.) Ozzy says limos are "pimp-mobiles." As the publicist desperately tries to shove Sharon (and Minnie) into the limo and close the door so Ozzy doesn't bite his head off (no pun intended), Ozzy keeps saying that he feels like a "dickhead" riding in a limo. He asks again why Sharon got this thing, repeats "pimpmobile," and says, "I hate the fucking things, I do." Sharon puts on her admonishing face, which is just that, a "face." She says that Ozzy can't show up to an in-store in a taxi, and Ozzy retorts that he hates limos. "I know," says Sharon. "Well, we didn't buy it." Ozzy keeps yelling, and Sharon tries to deflect him by waving something shiny in front Ozzy's face like he's a crying baby, which he is. "Look at the ceiling, it's like Kelly's bedroom," she says. "Oh wonderful," replies Ozzy.

The in-store. Tower Records on Sunset, right down the street from me. (The sign advertises Ozzy, John Mellencamp, the Grateful Dead box set, and the Riding In Cars With Boys soundtrack, to give you a timeframe for this.) I don't know where they live that they leave during daylight and arrive at night, because Tower is, like, minutes from all of Beverly Hills. They must have gone somewhere else first.

Kelly waits behind something in the parking lot of Tower where tons of kids are lined up. Tower is crazy, because they push back all the shelves inside and put up a stage for every in-store, and kids line the streets. Kelly giggles as kids yell to her. Suddenly, she goes super-girlie and giggly at the yelling boys. She camera-talks that she gets really shy when people know her name and she doesn't know how they know. Kelly is outside, being pulled in by bodyguards. Inside the store, she's with her friends. She whines that she hates being touched by the people outside.

Ozzy pulling up. He swears and says how many people there are. "If they don't like the album I'm going to get killed." "Go for it, my darling," Sharon says, pushing him out of the limo. Ozzy walks into the store. Kelly watches. Ozzy smiles, walking past everyone. People yell and give the devil horns with their hands.

Inside, a Tower dude tells Ozzy where to go, and now we get a montage of Ozzy doing photos and signing shit. Ozzy comports himself very well, obviously saving everything for the fans and giving the family the Low-Wattage Ozzy at home, big-time. So the montage…Ozzy holding a baby. Ozzy hugging crying truckers. With a dude in a wheelchair. With a chick with a ferret. With a small guy in a Black Crowes t-shirt. What kind of dickhead shows up at an Ozzy in-store wearing a Black Crowes shirt? Ozzy with a lady. With a witch. With a guy. With a huge-boobied lady who asks for an autograph. Ozzy immediately looks to her tits. "Sure." Kelly watching, laughing. Ozzy with a kid. Ozzy with a midget who says that they should jam together sometime. Ozzy ignores him. Ozzy signs a male nipple. Okay, I would draw the line right there. Ozzy with a guy. With a bunch of cops. Ozzy on a throne with a chick in his lap. "It's good to be the king!" he says, suddenly seeming twenty years younger.

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The Osbournes

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