The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Finally he gets back into the limo. "This is the prom of darkness," Sharon says. Ozzy likes that. I'm confused. Ozzy looks very happy and satisfied, but tired. Sharon starts chirping about Minnie being the queen, and immediately Ozzy goes right back to "I fucking hate these limos." The last thing we hear is, "Don't come to New York, just stay here, Sharon."

Now the KROQ studios. The most influential corporate radio station in America, and the studio is a fucking closet. Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew greet Ozzy and Sharon, who are there to do Loveline. Ozzy sits down and asks if they're going to talk about sexual intercourse. He says that's why he brought "the wife" -- to tell him what it's like.

Back home, hilariously, Jack fiddles with the radio to discover that he can't get KROQ in the house. Fucking million-dollar house with satellite dishes up the ass, everything is so complicated and high-tech, and they can't get simple FM radio. Brilliant. Jack, wearing his strange Army vest outfit, and his little blonde friend go outside to listen in the car. Hee. Jack puts on a blonde wig.

The show. Adam introduces Sharon as his wife and manager "and sometimes interpreter." That's funny. Now Ozzy talks about how anti-depressants fuck up your sex life, so he has Viagra now. He says he's all drugged up and shooting blanks. Jack, listening in the car, shuts his ears and says, "La la la la la." Now Mommy tells a delightful story of how Ozzy would take Viagra and they'd wait for it to work, and then Sharon would fall asleep and Ozzy would have a big ol' boner and then couldn't wake her. He would try to wake her and she'd go, "Get lost!" Ozzy says he'd then just be lying there camping with a tent pole. Hee.

Meanwhile, in the car, Jack is still shutting his ears.

Ozzy and Sharon are dismissed from Loveline. (Y'all, give the Doctor and Adam a nicer studio. Please. Fucking shithole.)

Ozzy alone on a private plane. "Watch how crazy the next four days are going to be." Ozzy getting off a golf cart on a tarmac. He yells, "Rock and roll!" as the totally bewildered airport worker driving the cart stares in confusion. Ozzy sleeps on a private plane, stretched out. Man, that flight to New York probably cost more than my rent for six months. Ozzy gets off the plane in the morning, looking very tired. Now he checks into a hotel in New York, looking about to drop.

Back at the house. Kelly plays with her friend, Robert. She says he's her best friend. She loves the shit out of him, you can tell, regardless of what she might say. She giggles that we think he's her boyfriend. She tells us, "You're so dirty." Yes, Kelly, we are. And you want him. Yoooooou waaaaaant hiiiiiiiiiim.

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The Osbournes

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