The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Now Robert pulls Sharon aside and asks what he should get Kelly for her birthday. Sharon can't think what Kelly is into right now, and they both agree that it's hard to pick gifts for her. Now two party planners are discussing Kelly's seventeenth birthday party with Sharon. They agree on using Ouija boards as centerpieces.

Now Kelly is at the vet and Melinda, the skanky nanny, tells Kelly that she has to go get "Jiggity," which I take to be a nickname for Jack. Melinda says that Jack is definitely going to camp. Kelly seems to take delight in that. Now Kelly is holding the pissed-off Puss as the vet takes her temperature (the cat's not Kelly's). Kelly commiserates, saying that Puss was violated. "He shoved something up your bum." And on that note, commercials.

Back. This segment is "Not So Happy Camper." Bugle music plays as Melinda wakes Jack up. "It's 6:15," she tells him. Jack cracks his neck. They get into an SUV, Melinda driving and Sharon sitting in back. Sharon asks Jack how they're getting to the campground. He sarcastically replies that they're walking. Finally he tells her they're taking the bus. He says "a man with no legs" is driving the bus. Sharon tells him that he's going to get his "fucking ass kicked" by her.

At school. Parking lot. Jack tries to get Sharon to go away, but she says all the other parents are there. The kids stare at Jack like he's a freak ("like"?) as Sharon hugs him. Swearing a lot, she tells him to cheer up. He assures her that he can't phone her while camping.

Back in the SUV. Sharon asks Melinda why Jack is so depressed. She wonders if he needs medication. Melinda says that he just needs to go to bed, that he's had one early night in two years. Some kind of fucking nanny, she is. The school bus drives by, and Jack flips us off. Thanks, Jack. They tile out the name of the private school on the side, but I think it's "Four Winds" in Santa Monica. That's my guess.

Now, ignoring Ozzy's request, Sharon and Kelly board a private plane (with a few of the dogs.) They're going to arrive in New York at 2 AM.

And there they are, arriving in New York at 2 AM.

Morning. Out of the hotel, and then later onto a helicopter. Over the city. Ozzy gets off the chopper and again does what must be his Tarmac Call, "Rock and roll!" Ozzy walks into "30 Rock," talking on the cell phone to someone, and then goes in to do Conan. He sits in an office doing shtick with Conan. Conan asks him how he gets through metal detectors with all the crucifixes around his neck. Ozzy replies something about how he needs all of them. Then Ozzy and Conan trade action figures. Ozzy tells Conan that the action figure urinates at the Alamo when they get there. (Ozzy did that and was banned from playing Texas, or at least San Antonio.) Conan says his doll urinates, but it's not supposed to. Ozzy barely laughs. He likes Leno waaaaay better.

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The Osbournes

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