Back home, on the school bus. Jack flipping us off. Melinda picks him up, lying how much she missed him. They hug and she says, referring to something on her hands, "That's really gross, Jack."
Meanwhile, back in the hotel room, the rest of the fam eats as Sharon relays that Jack is coming home soon. Kelly wiggles around a lot eating, while Sharon goes on that Jack didn't have a good time. Ozzy had no idea Jack was camping in the first place, so they have to inform him. Ozzy immediately launches into a tirade, totally nonsensically, that he told Jack to buy a proper fucking backpack and not that stupid thing he got from the Army surplus store. Such a dad, that Ozzy. Ozzy couldn't be further from what you think as a typical father, but then he has the same preoccupations about the minutiae of equipment, not realizing the true problem is that his son is totally maladjusted and everyone hates him. ["Well, except us." -- Sars] Sharon sets him straight that the camp was "too hippie-ish," and Kelly relates that they make you "feed a tree before you feed yourself." Ozzy asks how the fuck you feed a tree, and if you put a ham sandwich next to it. Hee. Kelly says that's exactly how you do it. "Oh, fuck off," says Ozzy, but talking to the camp and the counselors and even the tree, not to Kelly.
Melinda and Jack in the SUV. Melinda goes on about how sweaty Jack is and then asks if he's in trouble. He says, gleefully, that he's in "so much trouble." They're going to call the parents in. Ooooooh, shit.
New York. Sharon says that Kelly has to call "Robert," and Ozzy immediately thinks of a different Robert (probably some old guitar player of his who's dead), but Sharon says that she means Kelly's Robert, "from the office." (I guess he works for their record company.) Ozzy asks Kelly if that's her boyfriend. "No," she lies, but she's immediately all giggly and high-pitched. Kelly says, "In case you haven't noticed, the kid's been coming over to the house for, like, four years now." Ozzy replies, "Oh, I didn't know." Hee. Exactly like my dad too. "Hi, who is this?" "Dad, that's Derek. He's been my best friend and lived next door since we were three." "Pleasure to meet you, Derek."
Melinda asks Jack why the parents are being called in, and Jack launches into his laundry list of misdeeds. He threw rocks at tents. He threw rocks at kids. He told a counselor (why can't I spell that fucking word right, ever?!) to "go fuck himself." "Oh well," replies Melinda, like the terribly irresponsible nanny she is. "Did you have fun, though?" Oh, I see, she's just more interested and concerned about his general psychic happiness, and not, like, if he's running around taking his spoiled miserableness and inability to relate to the world as a normal human being due to his crazy past as an excuse to be a total jerk to everyone else. Jack says that he did have fun: breaking the rules and getting yelled at. Good job, Jack. (Hey, I still think you're cool and we should totally hang out. I'm just giving you a hard time because I have to appear like I don't condone spoiled behavior, but seriously, I would have totally told counselors [dammit!] to fuck themselves if there was a guarantee of absolutely no parental repercussions, too. Call me!)