The Osbournes
For The Record

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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

The singing of "Happy Birthday." The cake. Lola tries to get on the pool table.

Kelly goes out with friends, kissing Melinda good night.

Now the Crue ho who gave Jack the mohawk is going to sleep in Jack's room, but on the couch. She says that she drools in her sleep, and he says that he pees in his sleep. He goes on that he wet the bed nine times this summer. "You told me," she says. Wha? Issues -- the kid has some. He tells us, "Waking up in a pool of your own spit…and a bed covered in your own urine. It's fun." Man. Okay, so she's sleeping on the couch. Yeah, whatever. Two seconds after the cameraman leaves, she's giving Jack a different kind of trim.

Ozzy and Sharon go inside after the party, remarking, just like any other parents, how "disgusting" the cigarette butts all over are. Like they're going to have to clean up a single butt. Please.

Morning. Party aftermath. Living room. Jack burps, and Ozzy says that was nice. "It was only for you," Jack has to repeat twice. Ozzy asks where Jack's going that night, and he says he's staying home with Ozzy. "Why did you lock your door last night?" asks Kelly. Ozzy asks if he had a girl in there. Then Jack says that Kelly should shut up because there's something she doesn't want to talk about, and Kelly says that Jack promised he wouldn't say anything. (This part looks a little staged, but who knows with this weird bunch.) Ozzy immediately leans in all excited. "What happened what happened what happened?!" he says. Hee. "What did she do?" he asks Jack. (Can't drink or smoke, he has to get pleasure somewhere. Who knew Ozzy's new drug was gossip?) Kelly sits, reading a birthday card that Robert no doubt gave her over and over. She's in loooooove. Ozzy keeps bugging her and finally figures out that it's a tattoo. Jack says that the tattoo is "ordinary," but wants to see it again. She shows Ozzy, who asks if she's told Sharon. She hasn't. It's a tiny little red heart on her hip. Tiny. She says that she loves it as she shows it to Jack.

Now some random guy stands by as Ozzy gives a too-late lecture about how she's going to have that for her whole life. "I like it!" she pouts. The lecture continues about infections as Ozzy points to one of his hundred tattoos and says that one got infected and his arm swelled up like a balloon. Ozzy finally says that Kelly has to tell Sharon. Whatever. Kelly totally wants this attention.

Now Ozzy has Sharon on the phone and gives the phone to Kelly. Ozzy rubs his hands, so excited. Now we see Sharon getting her hair washed in a salon. Kelly tells her about the tattoo, and Sharon immediately asks where and what and then who did it. Kelly won't say. Ozzy is having a good time in the background. Ozzy takes the phone again, and Sharon tells him she's sad. Ozzy tries to defend Kelly, saying that it's small and not that bad. He jokes that she's getting the "big fucking one" next week. (There is a chalkboard that says something about Jews behind them, but part of it is tiled out. Mystery!) Kelly pouts that Mommy hates her, but Ozzy says she's just disappointed. "She thinks you're a very stupid person." Ah, that makes it all better. Thanks, Ozzy. Kelly replies that she knows she's stupid, that Sharon didn't have to tell her that.

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The Osbournes

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