The Osbournes
Get Stuffed

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | Grade It Now!
Kelly Whines. Ozzy Wines.

Sharon, from the living room, tells Jack to stop Ozzy from walking the dog. She says that he's "stoned" and then stops and listens. "Is he singing?" she asks. Hee.

Cut to Ozzy, drunk off his ass, walking Lola down a beautiful Beverly Hills street on Thanksgiving, being followed by a camera-crew, singing. "Ah, fuck off," he tells Lola. (See, this might be funnier than the chair fall. I think perhaps the chair fall wins because of the broader physical comic work Ozzy displays in that clip, but this is pretty damn close.) In a wide shot we see Jack catching up to Ozzy, who falls back two steps. Okay, now this is the funniest: Jack grabs the leash, Ozzy pulls back, and they have a half-drunken tug o' war over the dog's leash. Man. (This can't be staged, can it? No. I refuse to believe it. It wouldn't have come out so funny.) Anyway, Jack obviously wins because next we see Ozzy climbing stairs, mumbling that he's all revved up today. He turns to the cameraman, his new best friend, and says, "Don't you think I'm all revved up today?" (Revved up like a deuce?) "Thanksgiving [beep], I hate it." (How can you hate Thanksgiving? It's just about turkey and stuffing and shit. So, you're English. Acclimate a little. Oh, maybe he's still mad because it was so soon after we got away from Europe? I see. That one still hurts.)

We get a great shot of the beautifully set-up table, untouched, while Sharon yells at Ozzy that it's Thanksgiving and she doesn't want to fight. "Thanksgiving means fuck-all to me!" he says. And scene.

Morning. Lola sleeps. Jack sleeps. Ozzy, looking like hell (but then again…), carries one of the dogs -- Minnie, I think. (Hey, has anyone seen Lulu, the little seal dog, lately? I think she got in Lola's belly.) He puts the dog outside, setting off the alarm. "Fucking thing, man," he says. Kelly is at the sink. Ozzy asks Kelly if she's pissed off at him. "A little," says Kelly. "Okay," responds Ozzy. Hee. Jack, still wearing his wife-beater, comes into the kitchen. Ozzy asks if Jack is all right, and if he's pissed off at him as well. Jack just mumbles. Ozzy dodders over. "What's that, Jack?" he asks. Jack says it's nothing.

Ozzy now sits at the TV as "Deck The Halls" plays from the speakers. Ozzy swears a bunch at the remote.

A doctor looks at Ozzy's taped ankle, asking, "Any pain here? Any pain when I squeeze here?" Ozzy pretends that he's fine. The doctor isn't fooled and tells him that if he comes out of the boot too soon, the bone is going to break apart and he's going to be fucked up for longer. Ozzy does an accidental Jack Benny take with his hand to his face.

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The Osbournes




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