The Osbournes
Get Stuffed

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Kelly Whines. Ozzy Wines.

Now Ozzy walks to the stage, grimacing and looking miserable. He crosses himself. Now he's onstage kicking ass, telling the crowd that the crazier them motherfuckers are, the crazier he is. (He genuinely loves performing and gives it his all every time. You gotta love and respect him for that.) He moons the crowd, jumping around on his bum leg. He throws a bucket of water on the crowd. He yells that they told him to stay in bed and rest but he told them to fuck off, that he needed a rock show tonight, man! He jumps and sings and kicks ass. Then he bends over, holding his ankle. Oops. Commercials.

Peninsula Hotel, Chicago. Kelly, Jack, and Sharon check into the hotel. Sharon looks around for the chocolate, but they can only find one bar. (What a dump!) Now Jack stands oddly facing the wall in back while Kelly, sitting on the bed with Sharon, explains that Ozzy didn't want them to come but they're surprising him anyway for his birthday. "He's going to go mental," she says. Sharon then asks Jack what he's doing. "Hanging out in the background," he says, obviously repeating the crew's directions for the camera-talk segment. Hee. Sharon tells him to shut up and sit down.

The Fam emerges from the hotel as Sharon continues to tell us that Ozzy isn't speaking to her right now, so she doesn't want him to see her until she's buffeted by lots of people around. Jack asks why he's mad, and Sharon says it's because she spent too much money on the house. What, did he just get the bill?

The Fam crosses the street to go have a "low-key dinner" alone. Sharon bitches to Kelly that she dropped her mink stole down the toilet. Jack says she shouldn't even wear mink. Now in the elevator she says that it smells like an old crotch. Jack won't smell it; Kelly says it's disgusting, but then leans in enthusiastically to smell the old crotch stole.

Hotel room. Sharon tries to brush the taste of garlic out of her mouth. Sharon tries to blow her breath at Kelly; Kelly says she'll throw up if her mom does.

Now back on the bed, Sharon wonders how terrible it would be if they show up and Ozzy still doesn't want them there. Kelly bitches that she doesn't know why they showed up anyway if they're not wanted, and they respond that it's because they love him. Kelly then says that he's a "bastard" if he doesn't want them there, and both Sharon and Jack yell at her. Hee.

Shot of the show. Ozzy finishes, taking a bow with the band. This might be from a different concert, but afterwards, Ozzy sits backstage with two big "Da Bears"-type radio douchebags doing an interview. One of them holds a pad that reads, "How Ya Feelin How's Ya Leg Doin?" He then asks Ozzy that. Ozzy says he can't sit around the house, he has to get back out there. "Ya gotta rock and roll. You bet," says that DJ. Lord. (Ozzy is drinking wine. Bad, Ozzy.)

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The Osbournes

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