The Osbournes
Get Stuffed

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Kelly Whines. Ozzy Wines.

Quick shot of fans screaming into the camera.

Now the guy reads the question, asking what Ozzy would do if he got snowed into "Grand Forks" (see) for three more days. Ozzy says that everyone bitches about the cold, but he'd rather be there than in Afghanistan. There, they should put that on the Grand Forks Chamber of Commerce welcome sign. "Grand Forks: Better Than Afghanistan."

Shots of Chicago at night. I think they throw in a quick shot of the Real World house just for fun. Michigan Ave. Ozzy gets off the bus for the hotel. He goes the wrong way for a second.

In the hotel room, Kelly yells at Jack to hurry, and he yells back that he's writing a card for Ozzy. Kelly bitches that Jack has been on the phone talking about "fucking" something (I can't follow) for the last twenty minutes. Jack throws something at her and she says, "Ow." Jack gets all pissed as they say that they have to beat Dad down to the restaurant. Sharon says that the restaurant will give them tinfoil if they hurry, but then a helpful hotel guy arrives with some. Jack wraps his present in tinfoil, which is brilliant. I never fucking thought of that. That's it: from now on, I'll never use bullshit wrapping paper again! (Jack doesn't even tip the hotel guy. Cheap bastard.) Kelly smiles at the camera.

Ozzy leaves the hotel room, bitching about how tired he is. Meanwhile, the family gets in a car to go to the restaurant. Ozzy is now walking through the lobby as someone tells him who Ozzy shares a birthday with: Andy Williams. Ozzy is not impressed.

In the restaurant, the Fam is seated with tons of people, hiding. Kelly jokes that Dad is going to yell, "What the fuck are you doing here!?" Everyone laughs. Ozzy dodders in, and Sharon stands up. Everyone claps as they hug. "We've been hiding from you all day," she says. Ozzy asks, "Where are the babies?" He sees the kids and smiles. Aw. That's sweet. They hug as people take photos. Now seated, Sharon says they've been hiding in the room just two floors below him. "You bastards," says Ozzy. Now he opens a present, which is a "Prince of Darkness Pooper Scooper"; it's all bedazzled with jewels and crosses and shit. "This is the new sign!" he says, holding it up. Ozzy says he wasn't going to come tonight.

Montage of dinner. Kelly holds a puppy. (Who got a puppy? Is that for Ozzy? Awesome. Why didn't they show it? Everyone loves puppies.) People take photos. Jack makes a face. Now Jack's present. He jokes that it's a Bible. The card, which says, "To me old man," makes Ozzy smile. He kisses Sharon. Suddenly, Ozzy is walking away and everyone tells him to come back. Someone brings out a cake with candles, and everyone sings and claps. Ozzy smiles and blows out the candles. And that's it!

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The Osbournes

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