The Osbournes
It's A Hard Knock Life

Episode Report Card
Stee: C+ | Grade It Now!
Kellys Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

Home. Sharon takes a call from Kelly. Gay Gramps is there with her. Sharon calls Kelly either "Tarts" or "Tots." They're both kinda insulting, and both kinda true. After the call, she says, "That was a call to say everybody can have the money back. She doesn't want to do anything anymore." Hee.

New York. More make-up. Kelly gets into a limo, complaining that things are disorganized. "I hate going to things like this," she brats to Bad Nanny. Yeah, limos are stupid! Bad Nanny, despite the constant abuse, has a pretty fucking sweet gig.

At a Marc Jacobs fashion show, Kelly poses with Puffy. "Kelly! Puffy! Kelly! Puffy!" photographers scream. Brilliant.

At the house, Sharon tells Jack that last night Puff Daddy's security guard bumped into Kelly and she fell to the floor. Puffy picked her up and apologized and was really nice. He went on that Kelly doesn't wear enough diamonds and he's going to get her a diamond watch. "P. Diddy's the homey," says Jack. (P. Diddy wouldn't have no trouble getting the masters from a band he signed, I'll tell you that fucking much.) Sharon goes on that it would be cool if Kelly went out with Puff Daddy, and that she'd be Puff Mommy. The editors do a dumb fantasy sequence of Puffy videos. Sharon goes on that Kelly's a little meanie and they'd be good together. "No," says Jack. She just wants him because he's rich and famous. Sharon says he smells good. Jack says, "So fucking what. I smell good." And commercials.

New York. Kelly talks on the phone to Sharon about how she's spoiled, but not the "Veruca Salt" kind of spoiled where she wants what she wants and wants it now, but…and then she doesn't say the kind of spoiled she is, because Kelly is exactly what she just said she wasn't. Kelly is chilling as Bad Nanny has to pack up. That's fucked. Ugly dog Chicken is there with them. Kelly goes on that the best way is "compromisation." Hee. Maybe she shouldn't have dropped out of school.

Montage of flying. Bad Nanny runs into someone. They arrive home.

Kelly shows off Puff Daddy's watch as she enters the house. She hugs Sharon. Jack says he doesn't trust Puffy. "Don't talk about my son-in-law that way," Sharon says. She inspects the diamond watch, saying that it's gorgeous. Jack is jealous. Kelly seems to be wearing a wig. Sharon asks if P. Diddy smells nice, and Kelly and Bad Nanny gush about how manicured and put together he is. "I bet he's got a nice ol' willie," says Sharon. Random girls laugh. Kelly wants Sharon to stop. Sharon goes on, "I bet it's smooth. I bet it's oiled…" Oiled -- hee. Kelly throws her hand over Sharon's mouth, screaming that she's going to make her sick. Bad Nanny says she should have asked to see it. I bet P. Diddy would have complied.

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The Osbournes




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