The Osbournes
Mama, I'm Staying Home

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Babies, Rabies, and Labies

Ozzy goes into the pantry to make some jam pudding. He pulls out a tin of strawberry jam and takes it to the electric can opener. He can't seem to figure the thing out and says, "Oh no," in a very disappointed voice. He mutters about everything being broken, and then he tries a hand-crank can opener but just gives up at the thought of it and walks away saying, "Forget it." So easily defeated. Like the Mets. Or France.

Credits. Song. The title is "Mama, I'm Staying Home."

Sharon is working, and Ozzy comes up to her all guiltily and says, "Mommy?" and Sharon patiently and lovingly says, "Yes, my darling." Now I don't know if it's more of Sharon's brilliant manipulation of all things, but the love with which she addresses her family in almost all situations is really nice. It almost makes up for the fact that she has no control over her kids, other than to kick the drug dealers out of her house every once in a while. Ozzy mutters, scared of her reaction, that he's not going to New York with them. She says, "Please. Come out of your bunker." Sharon then takes a phone call, while I like to imagine is actually just her hitting a button under her desk to make the phone ring. Ozzy shuffles a bit and then says really low and serious, "Sharon, it's my bunker." Goddamn, that's some good shit. Sharon agrees with me, laughing.

There's a whole weird conversation between Bitch Boy (who the captioners keep calling "Louis" -- who is actually Son Ozzy Hates) and Sharon and Jack, where Bitch Boy is finding out to his surprise that Ozzy is not going. Bad Nanny, all uppity and shit, says to Bitch Boy, "Then you're not going." That's fucked up. Bad Nanny is getting to be like Alice who used to always be all up in the Brady's business. Seriously, if I had a maid who kept butting in, telling me that Cindy is tattling and Greg has a girlfriend and Bobby is letting his hall monitor duties go to his head, I'd be like, "Yo Alice. Shut up and cook out dinner, maid! Oh, and you know your boyfriend with the meat, he can't come over to the house anymore. We ain't running no brothel. Go sleep out with Tiger."

Jack has a funny t-shirt that reads, "Call me. 555-1234." Bad Nanny then says that she's a pregnant woman and someone needs to get her a drink and some cereal. She smiles like anyone cares. No one does.

Bad Nanny carries her dog Chicken around in a baby carrier and then tells us that she found out today that she's pregnant -- that she's been wanting to forever and recently realized, "Why wait?" Why wait? Because Jack needs you. Bad Nanny! Bad! Bad Nanny plays with Chicken on the stairs, making Chicken chase her up and down. Then she puts an outfit on the dog. She's going to be the worst mother ever.

Sharon says goodbye to Robert in his guest house. He gets her to leave quick so all the boys can come out from under the bed. Sharon then goes to the main house and tells Ozzy that he and Robert should hang out and get to know each other better. Ozzy tells us he's waiting for peace and quiet. Leaving montage. The limo drives away. Lola watches the gate close, bummed out. (Oh, poor Lola when Jack went to rehab. That dog loves Jack.) The private plane takes off. And we go back to Ozzy, who leans back, opens his arms wide, and says, "I can breathe." The Boys With Avids pipe in some Kelly-Jack arguing as the plane takes off.

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The Osbournes

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