The Osbournes
Mama, I'm Staying Home

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Babies, Rabies, and Labies

But seriously, y'all. I hate people who do that -- have spontaneous conversations with other people when you're on the phone with them, as if you're all in the room together. Just say, "Hold on a second." That's all you have to do. Bastards! Next time someone does that to you, try this…they turn and start blabbing with someone else without saying anything to you -- just hang up. It's called negative reinforcement. Very handy. Commercials.

Ozzy sits in the kitchen, sorting money. Wow, he really needs a hobby. Ozzy starts bitching about how American money is all the same shape and color and there is nothing for the blind people to be able to tell the difference. He says that blind people have to be pretty trusting. Man. Ozzy really is bored. The best is the pile of hundreds sitting on the counter. How dare you complain about American money, you limey! If you don't like it, go back to Birmingham!

Continuing Ozzy's bored streak, he sits watching two dogs fight. One he calls Sparky. He keeps yelling, "Go on, my son," as the dog tries to hump the bigger dog. Sparky is humping the dog's head and Ozzy remarks, "It's Monica Lewinsky in the dog world." Ozzy is going crazy, cheering the humping on. He says, "Go on, my son. Make some more fucking dogs for the house." Then he says, "No, it's down at the other end." Ha.

Later. Ozzy sits in the kitchen, working on something. Another painting of a scary clown? No, it's a word search! Goddamn! He has "Hood" checked off, but still can't find such words as "Grill," "Lift," "Murals," "Power," and "Ladder." That's the best thing I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot in this world.

New York. Bad Nanny gets baby gifts already. Sharon is a good boss. Some goofy man is with them, and he coos over the blanket where you wrap the baby up like a burrito. Bad Nanny is just one big hormone as she says, "Aw…burrito." Then there's a mitt where you clean the baby with it. "Every day!" says Bad Nanny. Sharon jokes that you then clean the toilet and the countertops with it. I think that's Sharon's gentle reminder for Bad Nanny to start doing her fucking job already.

Ozzy sits in his new car in the driveway, pretending he's driving. Man, this has to be phony. But he's such a loon, I'm not sure. Robert pulls up in his big black SUV and blocks Ozzy's fake-car in. He gets out and goes over to Ozzy's window. "Hey," he says, smiling, trying to figure out what the hell Ozzy is doing. He just leaves, Ozzy going back to his "Pole Position" fantasies.

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The Osbournes

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