The Osbournes
Meow Means No!

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More Anal Rape Than Oz

I hope the Osbourne clan learned their lesson last week throwing their weight behind Dick Clark-lead events like the AMAs. Seriously, The Latin Grammys is a more respected event at this point.

Backyard. Ozzy and folks are hanging out while the dogs do little-dog things (like be annoying and yip) in the background. BitchBoy reveals that the neighbors are cool, but recently complained to him about the dogs barking late at night. Ozzy yells that the neighbor's dogs set their dogs off. Yes, Ozzy's dogs are so even-keeled that they fucking need an impetus to yip. They go apeshit if the wind blows. Ozzy goes on that of course dogs bark: "What do you expect the dogs to do? Meow?" Poor BitchBoy. I hope he gets paid shitloads of money.

Theme. Photos. Title card. "Meow Means No!!" Man, I know that coming up with jokey titles every week is hard, believe me. But whoever's writing these titles needs a week off. Ah, with Special Guest this week, Jason Dill. Lovely.

Shots of the dogs all sleeping around the house. Melinda holds a new dog, Chicken, wrapped in a blanket on her lap. Robert comes by, and Bad Nanny talks about how gorgeous Chicken is and how ridiculous it is just how gorgeous she is. Robert, fitting right in with the household wit, says that what's ridiculous is how Bad Nanny is holding Chicken like a baby. Bad Nanny says that she loves her like a baby, and Robert will one day know this kind of love. I have nothing to say about that, except that Bad Nanny obviously can feel her prime childbearing years being stolen one by one away from her by the Osbourne clan, and can't do anything about it. It would be sad if it weren't so sad.

Montage of dogs sleeping. Then Lola wakes up and attacks the camera, and then DMX starts playing (you haven't lived until you've seen the captioners trying to caption every "What?" and "Woo!" from DMX -- it's pretty awesome) and the dogs fight and fight and fight, and Kelly yells at them, and then Kelly picks Arthur up, saying Arthur is supposed to be the nice one. Ozzy walks through the house, seeing the miserably skinny and shaved Chicken, and asks what the fuck that is. He walks on, mumbling that the whole house smells like dog shit.

Kelly and her punky blonde friend walk upstairs, and Kelly steps in dog shit in bare feet. She hobbles to the bathroom to run her foot under hot water, complaining that it wouldn't be cool if she took a dump in the hallway -- something I'm sure Ozzy has done once or twice in his life. Kelly says she hates the dogs. Sarah, a big girl, babbles about how she's going to wash a certain shirt again because it's still not clean, and they get into a little fight about how Sarah stuck the shirt under Kelly's nose and Kelly had B.O. on her lip the whole day. I hate when that happens. Man, shit on her foot and B.O. on her lip -- Kelly's living out Chris Farley's last days. (By the way, Kelly has one of those dope clear round seats hanging from the ceiling in her room. Very jealous.)

Office. Jack talks on the phone and then hangs up, telling us that Jason Dill is coming to stay again. Jack's very excited. "It shall be grand," he says, which means, "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" in HoYay terms.

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The Osbournes

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