The Osbournes
Meow Means No!

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More Anal Rape Than Oz

Sarah tells Kelly that they have to go, but first they both wash their faces. Kelly thinks it's disgusting that Sarah is brushing her tongue. Kelly says they're only going to band rehearsal so don't put make-up on, and Sarah says, "I don't give a fuck, Holmes." Hee. Kelly wants to make rehearsal quick so she can go back to bed.

Shot of Sarah at practice. She camera-talks that she met Kelly four years ago at the mall, and Kelly recently told Sarah she had to come on tour with her, and Sarah figured she'd be doing personal assistant work but Kelly said, "No, you'll play drums in my band." With more shots of practice, Sarah's tongue and lip piercings competing with each other, Sarah tells us that she never took lessons (No!), but rather discovered her natural rhythm by tapping on tables and benches. Yeah, that's how Buddy Rich did it too. Kelly sings "Papa Don't Preach." I think I could never hear this song ever again and I'll be happy.

House. Dogs. Lola barks. Arthur licks Gus the cat. Lola noses Gus's ass. Gus is very mellow during all of this. More cats and dogs. More. Barking. Cats. Lola jumps at the camera again.

Bad Nanny and Jack sit at the counter discussing Sarah. Jack is worried that she's quitting school for the band and just rushed into it and didn't really take time to consider "the way Kelly really is." Hee. That's funny, whatever it means. The whole time, Jack is tapping on the table. Ah, maybe he's trying to muscle Sarah out so he can be the drummer in her band. Bad Nanny thinks Sarah was just waiting for anything to let her quit school. During the scene, an Ozzy bobble-head doll sits front and center. I wonder if they're trying to make us want to buy one. Because it's fucking working. Bad Nanny questions if Sarah is good enough, and Jack says she's an amazing drummer. Bad Nanny thinks maybe she just needs to practice. Uh-oh. I can smell where this is going, and it ain't a good smell.

Ozzy. He tells us that drummers are weird fucking people. (Hi, pot, I'm the bloody kettle.) Ozzy thinks it takes a special, weird kind of person to want to spend their lives "beating on skins." As he calls a whole class of people weird, Ozzy babbles that he just used the wrong color on his drawing. It's a weird fucking comic-booky drawing. I'm glad he's doing art again. It gives me a special thrill. At least this isn't a scary clown. I hope someone burned that piece. Ozzy used pink by mistake. "Ozzy Osbourne using the color pink," he mutters.

Band Practice. Kelly and Sarah. Kelly wants her to stop smoking. Kelly starts talking abstractly about how she couldn't keep the beat. Sarah interrupts, totally clueless. "But was I playing it all right?" she asks. Kelly takes an hysterical long pause, and then says, "Yeah, it just needs to be a little quicker, and…" Kelly goes on that Sarah couldn't keep the beat and then goes, "It's not the drums, though. It's the guitar." Sarah dances proudly, repeating, "It's not the drums." Some Pete Townshend-looking dude, Kelly's handler, watches. Oh, poor Kelly. She's just like Jack. They're both so nice to their friends because they never know if the friends like them for them or not. It's kind of sad. It's going to be more kind of sad when Kelly has to fire Sarah because she fucking sucks at the drums.

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The Osbournes

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