The Osbournes
Meow Means No!

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More Anal Rape Than Oz

Montage of Dill. "Welcome Back, Kotter" plays as Dill smokes. Burps. Falls down drunk. Waves to Ozzy. Scratches his hair. Hugs Sharon. Says, "It's been fucking awesome." Smokes. Pees. You get the picture.

Dill looks around for his toothbrush. Meanwhile, one of the dogs chews on it under the couch. Dill tries to take it -- the dogs snaps at him. Hee.

Band Practice. The guitarist tries to tell Sarah something. She says, "So, I don't know how to play drums. It's okay." Bobby gives video shoot info and then asks if Sarah is listening. He tells her the band has four weeks and finally says, "Shape up, girlie." She coughs. Goddamn, band people are so fucking skanky and dirty sometimes. You can shower and be cool. I swear it's true.

Bedroom. Sharon in bed. Bobby, in his awesome Scottish brogue, tells Sharon that they need to fire Sarah; it was a good idea at the time to hire a friend, but they need to get serious. They show Sharon some résumés and photos, and Sharon coos over one, saying, "How cute is she!" They watch a video of this girl, and Sharon asks if she smokes. They say she looks young, and Bobby jokes that she doesn't grimace when she plays. Sharon then does an impression of Sarah drumming, saying she looks like Popeye when she plays. Man, either this is some fancy editing or it's really happening fast, because now Kelly comes into the room complaining that she can't do it, because Sarah is her only friend in the band and "it really sucks." Sharon says, because she gets off on this type of shit, that she'll do it. No time to waste -- Bobby calls Alicia, the other drummer girl, and hires her. Another day, obviously, Sarah comes into the bedroom and asks Jack, who's there cuddling, if she could talk to Sharon for a minute. Oooooooooh. Commercials.

Back. Band Practice. New Drummer is there. Bobby dances. Bad Nanny watches. It's merged with the video shoot day and oh, there's poor Sarah, watching. An assistant director tells Sarah to do the slate. He tells her that she'll slate for camera, and then she'll sit down and…read something. Goddamn, that's fucking harsh. But she does it.

Sarah sits in Kelly's room, opening a check. She says she's now out of debt. The check is for "ten fucking grand" for playing the drums. Kelly yells from another room, summoning her. Wow. What a nice payoff. I imagine it kind of leaves her with a dirty feeling…although I imagine she carries a dirty feeling everywhere she goes, anyway.

Night. House. Dill smokes in the back with random guys. They watch Lola and another dog playing with the skateboard. Arthur tries to hump Lola as Lola tries to ride the board. Ozzy watches from the house as Dill talks about the secret lives dogs lead and how they lead cleaner, healthier lives than he'll ever know. We'll. that's true. And also, how fucking high must Dill be right now?

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The Osbournes

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