The Osbournes
Must Come Down

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Black Sabbath

Suddenly, Ozzy and One Robert At A Time are doing yoga. I haven't seen a stiffer Dogward Dog since…oh, man, I got nothing. Since Snoop quit pot? I don't know. (If you come up with a good punch line, tell me.) Sharon voice-overs about how Ozzy could never do yoga, because he's pulled so tight, like a rubber band. One Robert At A Time is trying to make Ozzy more spiritual, Sharon says, and we see him on the bus reading poetry to a blank-staring Ozzy. "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you," the man says. Oh, God. "Did you just fart while I was reading that poem?" One Robert At A Time asks. "Yeah," giggles Ozzy. And…commercials.

Ozzy stands in his dressing room doing a voice exercise along with a tape. Hee.

Beach. Girls! Sun. "Gentleman Jack's a lady's man. He can make love like no one can," goes a song, as Jack mostly just checks out the boys. He then tells us how much he loves surfing as he walks along the beach with a bunch of big Aryan hunks. Hunk One tells Jack that they need to jump off a pier, that it's been mocking them. If you've ever wondered this question: if a big hunk tells Jack to jump off a bridge, would he do it? The answer is yes. Pudgy, ultra-white Jack jumps -- and this is after guys have done perfect back flips -- and fucks up his elbow. He moans in pain afterwards until he has to get saved Baywatch-style by a doc who asks him where it hurts and then makes him a fake sling. The four blonde Billy Zabkas immediately dis Jack's sling, saying that everyone else made it fine but he managed to get hurt.

Cut to Saint John's Health Center, where the hunks are filling out medical forms for Jack, and already getting worried about Sharon being mad at them. Jack makes a joke about him not being allergic to medicine, "Especially not Vicodin," and the stoners laugh their Spicoli heads off. Sharon arrives and asks Jack if he thinks he's a "fucking bird." Jack says that it's this or getting drunk. Then Sharon is rubbing his hair and saying it's a miracle he's going to now stay in for one night, as the doctor says he probably has a broken elbow. Jack "owwwwweeee"'s over some procedure as Sharon then jokes that they should just put the whole family in a hospital ward because Ozzy is "not well" and Sharon has "half a colon." Does that mean she has…a semi-colon? Goodnight everyone! I'll be in Vegas all week!

Now Kelly, I guess in New York, talks on the phone to Ozzy, telling him how Jack jumped off a pier and broke his elbow. She calls him an idiot, with all the sisterly concernless glee you'd expect. Ozzy then tells Bitch Boy about Jack; Bitch Boy says it's a dangerous bone to break. Oh, shut up, and go fetch Ozzy some Jamesons.

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The Osbournes

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