The Osbournes
My Big Fat Jewish Wedding

Episode Report Card
Stee: B+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
I F***ing Do

Back. House. Ozzy tells us that he's not very excited that he's renewing his vows. "It's a bit late," he observes.

Sharon gets made up, telling us that the last time they got married, Ozzy slept passed out in the hallway and peed himself. So they never had a proper marriage night. She says she actually carried him over the threshold.

Dogs sleep. Ozzy walks into the room, his hair all up and his shirt off, mid-hair-coloring. He looks at the clock. "Fucking wedding," he mumbles.

Car. Jack says he doesn't have just one girlfriend. "I don't like girlfriends," he says. (A truer statement was never said.) He goes on that there are five girls in heavy rotation. "I'm a man-whore," he says. (Okay, that's actually an even truer statement.) But then he says, "I'm a she-bitch man-whore." (That's the most true of them all.) Montage of Jack's Women. "I Dig Chicks" plays as we see Jack hanging with women. Hugging women. Talking to them. They're all way too old for him and way too hot. (And way too female.) Jack climbs into the hot tub with one. Shot after shot of Jack with hot girls. He slaps Bad Nanny's ass. (You can't fool us that that's a hot girl.) Some girls fumble for their bras in the morning. Goddamn! This makes me so mad. When I was sixteen…never mind. But just let it be known that I'm retroactively jealous.

Jack lies down. Sharon asks if he has a girlfriend. She jokes that he should settle down. He says that he gets bored. Jack says something that probably pisses more people off than anything he could say. He could say, "I hate Jews," and fewer people would be offended. This is what he says: "I may be making more money than most thirty-five-year-olds, but that doesn't mean I am thirty-five." Wow. That's…wow. He goes on that he gets really bored. She asks if it's his ADD. No, it's just that he's sixteen with gay tendencies and too much access to too much. Sharon says Kelly is the same way and that's why she's not "worried" about Bert. (Oh, she thinks Kelly will soon outgrow Bert. Poor Bert.)

Ozzy shaves his chest. Bad Nanny and Sharon and the hairdresser watch. "Don't shave your pubies," says Sharon. Bad Nanny thinks that, smooth, he now looks like he's twenty-one. "I love pain," says Ozzy, as he gets waxed on his stomach. Sharon jokes that he should have his testicles done -- that he should get a Brazilian. "What's a testicle?" asks Bad Nanny. She would ask that. Ozzy starts to take his pants down. Bad Nanny begs him to stop. He laughs.

Meanwhile, Jack has his eyebrows waxed. Wow. That is the most unmanly spectacle I've ever seen. Well, aside from the [shiver] wrestling. They wax, Sharon telling him to wax his mustache and then to wax his legs and bikini. Jack finally says he doesn't want to be too groomed. Good man.

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The Osbournes

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