The Osbournes
No Vagrancy

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Dill Hole

Ozzy sits in his study while a dog sleeps on the couch next to him, sitting on the "King of Everything" pillow. Ozzy is attempting to open a The Best of Chris Farley on SNL DVD, and having a terrible time of it. He finally figures out the Nazi-torture-device sticker on top of the case, miraculously navigates getting the DVD itself out of the case without breaking it in two, and slips it into his hi-tech touch-screen DVD player. And after all that, a brother still can't catch a break, as Ozzy pushes button after button, trying to see the wacky fat man falling into break-away coffee tables and talking about living in a van down by the river, but to no avail. "Jack!" he screams -- Jack being his go-to guy for all things technical (and, I suppose, if he ever wanted to score some weed). But Jack is a no-show, sadly, and Ozzy keeps pressing away, surprisingly not enlisting his pal The Cameraman's help. Ozzy grouses that you have to be a fucking rocket scientist to operate a DVD. Ozzy, the Play button is right there...oh never mind. The computer angrily beeps at him like someone is going into de-fib on ER; he says, "What the fuck am I doing now?" which must be something Ozzy says a lot these days. Finally Ozzy just gives up on his Farley fix and abandons the sinking ship.

Opening credits. Despite media saturation of late, I'm still not tired of anything about this show.

So here's the wonderful thing that people have been talking about but I didn't experience until now: if you tape the showing on Wednesday or Thursday day, there's closed captioning! Sure, it seems to be wrong a lot, but god love 'em -- they have their hands full with these mumbly motherfuckers.

The first segment is "No Vagrancy." Groan. "With special house-guest Jason Dill," we are told. Shot of the house. Day. A rock reads, "Osbourne institute of rock." It's the rock garden -- some workers fix it up. I bet Ozzy made that up and laughed for years, putting it next to "See you Tamara" in his Big Book of Funnies.

Inside, a hairy figure is woken up by the noise; he pets a dog, puts a blanket over his head, and heads off to the bathroom. Jack camera-talks that he met Jason Dill at On the Rocks, whatever that is, and that he's a professional skater who makes his own t-shirts and is a golden god in Japan. Jack, whose poor little nose is all red, smiles and says, "It's kind of funny." Oh no, I know the look on his face: Jack is in love. We see Jason in the kitchen burping. On the phone burping. Outside lighting a match off the garage wall. Burping in the kitchen again. Getting a jacket loaned to him. He says, in a Timothy-"Speed"- Levitch-meets- Jesse-Camp voice, "Thanks! You're the best." He scratches his shaggy head, which he does a lot, as he complains how hung over he is. Jack helps Jason find something to eat in the fridge as he camera-talks to us that Jason broke up with his girlfriend (I can't imagine why) and then moved into a hotel, and then moved into some house where "Mike" was staying and got kicked out (again, I can't imagine why) and so Jack is letting him stay there now. Poor Jack. His nose is red from love, a cold, or coke. You decide.

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The Osbournes




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