The Osbournes
No Vagrancy

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | Grade It Now!
Dill Hole

Ozzy, in his study working on a new masterpiece, tells us that he doesn't know who Jason is or where he comes from or what the deal is. He thinks Jason might even be working for him -- how the fuck is he supposed to know what goes on in his house?

Ozzy, sitting at his kitchen art-space / water-bowl-kicking seat asks Jason facetiously if he's sitting in Jason's seat. Jason says, "No, go ahead. Don't worry about it." Boot him, Ozzy!

Ozzy, back in his study / new art-space tells us diplomatically that he's going to give it a few days and then ask "questions" like, "Is this a permanent fucking situation?" and "If so, I want fucking rent." And then Ozzy's ever-troubled world comes to a grinding halt again as he asks, "What's wrong with the fucking pen?"

Lola sits on a pillow. Uh-oh. Ozzy comes up to Jack and says he has to talk about Lola; Jack huffs and whines right away. Ozzy tells Jack that Lola demolishes his bed and chews on the furniture and he paid a shit-load of money for the house (much more than he wanted to, we learned last week). "It's not on, babe," says Ozzy. Hee.

Now Ozzy camera-talks from his study that he loves Lola...he really loves Lola and Jack loves Lola. But Jack also likes going to "night-fucking-clubs" and Ozzy doesn't enjoy picking up turds. He says he doesn't mind a little Pomeranian turd, "but when that fucking bulldog unloads, you've got to get an earthmover and a fucking gas mask to go in the kitchen. It's like fucking plutonium turds." Ozzy does his patented stiff-hands-to-face move at the end; his homage to Jack Benny, I like to think.

California Pizza Kitchen. Jack and Kelly eat. Jack is on the phone with Son Ozzy Hates, I think. He says he'll call him back, and hangs up. Kelly asks if someone gave Lola to SOH; he says yes. Kelly tries to stop Jack from calling Sharon. "You don't give a fuck about the dog," Kelly tries to reason. Jack counters that she doesn't give a fuck about her dog or her cat or her (beep). Kelly shows her chewed food to Jack. Jack gets Sharon on the line and says he'd really appreciate it if she'd warn him the next time she gives his dog away. He says it's been two times now and he's really had "e-fucking-nough" of it. "Get over it," whines Kelly as Jack threatens to give away Minnie, because he knows a lot of people who might like those dogs. Kelly lights up as Jason returns from having a smoke or going to the bathroom (or both at the same time, probably). Kelly waves to a gawker outside as Jack tells his mom that "it's not on" -- stealing a line from Dad -- and says he doesn't give a shit, that he wants his dog back. Kelly tells him not to talk to Mom like that and Jack informs the confused (as always) Jason that Mom gave his dog away.

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The Osbournes




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