The Osbournes
No Vagrancy

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Dill Hole

Jack's room. Jason says he's going to smoke a cigarette. Meanwhile, Sharon finds a bottle of Jack Daniels and what I think is a joint. Sharon says she's going to pee in the bottle and goes into the bathroom. Kelly screams and the dogs start barking and Kelly forces herself into the bathroom. They yell and scream. "Grow up!" and "That's disgusting!" Kelly emerges and throws the bottle away. Sharon comes out, wiping pee off her hands, and calls Kelly a Drama Queen. Kelly says it's "disturbing and disgusting." Jason wanders back in and asks what's going on. They keep talking and Sharon tells Jason he has mud on his shoe and he has to clean it off. Kelly tells Sharon that it's like the time she found Ozzy's bag of weed in Hawaii and she pissed in it. Ew. Jason then figures that she's found the Jack Daniels and he asks if she put apple juice in it. Sharon tells him, with a straight face, that she was trying to piss in it.

Gym. Ozzy works out, biking and listening to rock music. He's wearing a shirt that reads, "Hippie Killer." Hee. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jason half-ass washes dishes and says that he likes cooking here because there is such nice stuff to cook with. He then says that he lit a timer on fire.

Outside. He shows us a melted chicken timer and says we can't tell Sharon because then she'll be scared and know how long it was on the stove. Huh? He tells us about his plight, running around at 5 AM trying to open doors and put the fans on to get rid of the smell.

Now inside, Sharon discovers the melted plastic chicken all over the stove and reads a Post-It, "Sharon! I burnt the griddle. I'm so sorry. Dill." She says, "Oh, for fuck's sake." Commercials.

Sharon tries to get rid of the plastic on the griddle, pouring Cascade on it. Jason thinks she's going to need an "acid-based compound." Jason is an acid-based compound. Suddenly, there are other friends around and Kelly tells Sharon that Jason was really upset about it, and Sharon actually, I don't think facetiously, says, "Aw. He doesn't have to be." She asks where he is, and Kelly thinks he's outside.

We see Jason sitting down outside, having a smoke.

Inside, a friend suggests heating a metal spatula and scraping. They do; it doesn't work. Jason wanders in and asks if it's working. He babbles something about setting the house on fire and then goes and sits down and reads the LA Weekly as Spatula Boy just stares at him. S.B. keeps working as Jason shows the cover of Hello! magazine to Kelly and then goes to play pool. Co-dependent Jack shows up, standing around the griddle as well. Finally Jack gets some balls and asks, "Why are we cleaning this? Why isn't Dill?" Spatula Boy answers that Jason would just make it worse, like he's Corky or something. Now Jason plays pinball. Hee. (Man, I fucking hate people like Jason Dill, by the way. Lazy, flaky people who ride on goofy charm. Except for Snoop. I forgive it in him.)

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The Osbournes

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