Reality television. By nature, it plays fast and free with the notion of the word "reality." Shows routinely craft "storylines" through clever editing, juxtaposing events in such a way as to make thing look more dramatic, funny, interesting, dire. But more and more lately, things are cut together that didn't actually happen. Reaction shots to something else are edited in as a substitute. People who weren't even talking are made to seem as though they are. Scenes from different days are interwoven to make it look as though it's seamless. But of course, it's not, because we see the seams. They are evident. But we forget that sometimes -- we forget that "reality" television is to be taken with a grain of salt -- because it is a medium of light and image; it's something that can be manipulated in myriad ways. And that is what The Osbournes has decided to play with here. Cruel? Maybe. Effective? Undoubtedly. And in the end, isn't it nice to have a strong reaction to television? Think about it before you pick up your toys and leave the playground in a huff. When was the last time 22 minutes of show made you feel anything?
And while I could recap this most memorable 22 minutes as if I were watching it all for the first time -- especially in this case, it would feel really forced. Or I could go into it knowing the "end" and recapping through the prism of fact-checking to see if the ending was tipped. But instead, I think I'll just present the series of events, and let you decide how to feel about them. Except, of course, when I tell you how you should feel about them.
The family sits outside on the front steps. Sharon chats with Aimee, perhaps, as Jack eats cereal. Ozzy sits in front of them all, shaking more than usual, singing the Flintstones theme song. (Hey, now that Katherine Hepburn has died, I bet Ozzy has jumped up in the Shaking Rankings. Aw, c'mon! I'm just kidding.) Ozzy thinks they should have a theme song like that, and he changes the lyrics to, "Osbournes. Meet the Osbournes…" Minnie barks and Jack says, "Minnie. Shut the fuck up!" Ozzy stops singing and, pointing to Jack, says, "No, that's the chorus." Ha.
Theme. Credits. The episode is titled "Ozz Well That Ends Well."
House. Day. Upstairs. Sharon is lying in bed, and Jack and Minnie are there. Jack talks about how he was somewhere and he fell asleep and the people with him wrote on him in Sharpie. He woke up from a deep sleep and got really angry. Sharon touches his cheek and says that she does it too. The fishing buddy guy is there too suddenly -- how many people does she have in her room at any one time? God. It's like my bedroom in college. The dude says that it's really freaky when you do that. Sharon makes an Exorcist type of voice and Jack reiterates that he got really angry. Sharon asks if he apologized to these unnamed people. (He probably just passed out at the Roxy, like most nights.) Jack says that he left. Sharon says he should apologize. Dude says that people shouldn't be "mucking around" with a sleeping person. Especially not someone flying high on Oxy and paint thinner.
New York hotel room. Kelly is on the phone saying that boyfriend Burt said, "I'm going to get Kelly a job on the road." Kelly bitches that she already has a fucking job and he has no idea what she does. (He doesn't know she's a singer? Well, a "singer"? Really? He doesn't?) She swears on that maybe if the fucker would call her every now and then. Kelly hangs up and bitches to Bad Nanny that Burt is retarded and she doesn't want to talk to him. Yes, and good.