The Osbournes
Ozz Well That Ends Well

Episode Report Card
Stee: A+ | Grade It Now!

Home. Lots of people as usual. Sharon hugs Kelly and some other girl. Aimee? They forgot to tile her out, man. That's craziness. All rules don't apply, man! Worlds colliding!

Jack's room. He camera-talks that Burt broke up with Kelly. He calls him a "scumbag" and says that Burt didn't want to be known all his life as Kelly Osbourne's boyfriend. Well, Jack doesn't want to be known as Kelly Osbourne's brother, but he can't do anything about that. Ozzy. He says that Burt needs a kick in the balls for doing that on Valentine's Day. Jack. He says that he doesn't get into relationships. But he'd never break up over the phone. He'd take them out to dinner like a gentleman. Oh, that's a good idea. Really fuck up the salad course. At least most likely you wouldn't have to pay for a dessert that way. Hard to eat tiramisu through tears. Jack then jokes that he might "send them an email." Then he laughs. The Boys With Avids slow him down and make him laugh all creepy.

Black and white camera. Jack's room. Jack sits up in bed as creepy music plays. He rubs his eyes, and then stumbles around the room. He flops down on the couch. Do sleepwalking people rub their eyes like they're getting up? Also, do the night-vision cameras they have really capture the beds? And also, isn't it grainier? Questions…questions...

Anyhoo. Make-up room somewhere. Kelly and friends. Some older blonde woman. Kelly says that Burt broke up with her because he was having "mental issues." Furthermore, he said, "I want to rock!" As an excuse! What? Kelly said she paused, because she was going to laugh. He went on that he thought people weren't taking him seriously because of who he was dating. No, people weren't taking him seriously because his band is lame and he's a hairy, dirty little douchebag walking cliché fuckface. Kelly says that he's suffering from "LSD" -- Lead Singer's Disorder. Wah wah wah.

Sharon says, "He's a piece of shit." She changes her mind that at least shit makes flowers grow. Some woman wearing a parka like she's exploring K2 makes suggestions. Sharon says that he's "a [BEEP] with a cauliflower dick." Hee. Sharon goes on that if Burt ever says anything about her daughter, she'll go personally and knock his teeth out with her Chanel handbag.

"Night-vision" camera. Jack wakes up. He walks. He wakes up again and pushes Lola off the bed sorta violently. Again. He grabs Lola and starts wrestling with the dog. The dog gets away, and Jack says, "I'm sorry, Lola," and flops back down into bed.

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The Osbournes




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