The Osbournes
Ozz Well That Ends Well

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Kitchen. Jack tells Ozzy that last night he woke up and he was beating Lola. Ozzy says that Jack needs to see someone or Ozzy himself might end up being the recipient of it. He says he might get a "cold clock in the fucking Gulliver," paraphrasing A Clockwork Orange. Ozzy strongly suggests that Jack not buy a baseball bat. Commercials.

House. Day. Sharon's room. Mid-fight. Kelly yells that if Sharon is going to be her mother and manager, she needs to treat her like a daughter and a client. Well, Kelly said "someone you work with," but I think "client" is the word she was looking for, and she'd appreciate me supplying it for her. "I honestly think you ought to get yourself another manager," Sharon says. Whoa! "I really fucking do." Sharon says she's not being patronizing, but Kelly always shouts at her and thinks she knows everything. "Because you don't fucking listen to me, Mom! You don't listen to me." Sharon starts to leave her bed and Kelly says, "Fuck you, Mom! Fuck you!" She goes on that maybe she will get another manager! Oh, there's Bad Nanny, listening. "Just go, Kelly," says Sharon. Kelly is gone. Don't you imagine that's almost exactly how Sharon and Billy Corgan's conversation went when they decided to stop working together. I imagine Billy in his little footie pajamas, sitting on Sharon's bed. So cute. Anyway, Sharon goes on that she'd rather have her daughter than a client. Ozzy wobbles in. "It's Kelly," Sharon whispers. Ozzy says that it's impossible for Kelly to talk normal these days.

Downstairs. Sharon, Ozzy, and Jack sit around the kitchen talking about Kelly. Jack shows his parents his arm, where Kelly bit him. Ozzy asks why she bit him. Jack says that he was talking to Sarah Bad Drummer, and Kelly blamed her for the reason Burt broke up with her. Ozzy says that it's her business, and Sharon says that she makes it everyone else's business too. We then see Kelly conveniently coming down the stairs and overhearing. She pauses, wondering what to do, then runs back upstairs. Ozzy goes on saying that Kelly is hurting and that she's got to find somewhere to vent her frustrations.

Upstairs, Kelly comes out of her room dressed like Edward Scissorhands with a rolling suitcase. Aw, she's moving out. Like Huck Finn, but with a Gucci travel bag instead of a bandana on a stick. She throws the bag down the stairs (and no one hears her!) and says that she's fucking out of here. She leaves through the garage.

Ozzy rubs cream on Jack's bite. Jack says it smells like toothpaste. Ozzy says that it is. Sharon says that the kids are very strong. Ozzy says that he knows Jack is, and that he only hopes he's not the recipient of Jack's sleepwalking violence. Ozzy says that he'll wake up with an empty pack of Coronas wrapped around the back of his neck. Okay, so Ozzy isn't very good at improvising. Give him a break.

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The Osbournes




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