The Osbournes
Rebel Without An Ozz

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Jack Off

Stee not only covered my recaplet, he left flowers by my bed when I got home. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Ozzy and Sharon's bedroom. Their pillow talk involves turkeys and buzzards. Sharon thinks that turkeys have ugly feet and they look like prehistoric monsters. Ozzy informs Sharon that the bird is a descendent of prehistoric times. Crazy...? Hey...but that's how it.... Huh. That's how we're beginning the show now, with Ozzy's Science Minute? Okay. I hope later Jack teaches us all about mitosis.

Lola snores. A DVD has Ozzy and Sharon on the cover.

Back to the bedroom, where Ozzy tells Sharon what he doesn't like about her television show -- that he never sees her. Oh, see, I think the problem everyone else had with her television show was that everybody could see her. And the problem the show had with us was that we weren't trying to see her. It's all boiling down to vision problems, isn't it? Sharon pounces on the good excuse and says that's exactly why she's not going to do the show anymore. Not because they changed the locks or anything. Ozzy realizes that if Sharon quits her show, she'll be home all the time, so he immediately tells her that she's got to keep doing the show. Sharon says she only has to do it until her commitment runs out. She likes doing the show, but doesn't like the amount of time it takes. Ozzy goes into a stuttering panic, telling Sharon that he's the one who stays home: "You're the one that works, now." Sharon smiles at the word "work," thinking just as we are, "It's so cute that you call it that." Ozzy picks up his MegaRemote and mumbles something about the Prince of Darkness.

Dogs. Sharon and dogs. Sharon kisses Ozzy goodbye outside and tells him she'll see him the next day. Okay, so I should tell you that lately I've been working nights at this reality show, losing hours of my soul so that you can watch another round of women throw themselves at some eligible...shall we say...Bachelor. ["I...don't follow." -- Wing Chun] And because of that, Stee has been spending many of his days and nights alone when I'm at a meeting followed by rehearsal and then work. And what Sharon says here about what Ozzy does while she's gone is exactly what I would say if I was asked what Stee's been up to over the past three weeks: "While I'm at the show, Ozzy -- I think what he does is sleeps and rests and um, putters around and misses me and I miss him."

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The Osbournes

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