The Osbournes
Rebel Without An Ozz

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Jack Off

Cut to Ozzy in sports gear trying to drink from his massive coffee cup, succeeding mostly in spilling a stream of coffee. He doesn't appear to notice that he's got a drinking problem.

Ozzy walks through the house spraying an aerosol can of what I hope is air freshener. Or Dog-B-Gone.

Ozzy is in another workout uniform, looking ecstatic as he works his MegaRemote.

Ozzy is in his underwear, stumbling over his pants. Because Ozzy doesn't have to put his pants on one leg at a time like everybody else. He's the Prince of Fucking Darkness, man!

Sing it with me. "It's Sharon's show, it's Sharon's show. It's somehow more interesting now that it's no mo'!" A pouty Sharon calls Ozzy. He asks how the show's going tonight. Sharon pouts that it's going all right. Ozzy recommends that Sharon's show go on location every once in a while, to "Pat fucking Boone's house" or "anybody." Oh, Ozzy. You've already got one full camera crew at your house. Do you really want to invite Sharon to film both of her shows from her bedroom? Ozzy tells Sharon he's a little bored watching Thankless Task Man do his day's work. Sharon and Ozzy exchange words of affection. Ozzy picks up his half-eaten apple and makes Thankless Task Man hang up the phone. I'm pretty sure Thankless Task Man is soon going to have to eat the rest of Ozzy's apple. Ozzy thought Thankless Task Man said something, so Thankless Task Man asks Ozzy what it is that he said. Ozzy doesn't answer. Thankless Task Man asks Ozzy a question, but that's not allowed according to his contract, so Ozzy leaves the room without giving an answer.

Another workout uniform, another day when Ozzy sits on the couch. He tells "us" that he's always dreamed of having a studio in his home, but tht he's not "technically minded" (that joke's way too easy, so I'll leave it be), and that's why he's never had one before. I can't believe Ozzy has never had a home studio before. Lil' Romeo has a fucking home studio and Ozzy can't get some soundproofing and a wall of little levers to move up and down? Come on. Doesn't the man have a birthday once a year? Someone get Ozzy a studio! Ozzy gives us the gigantic tour of the two-room studio. He tells us that all he has to do is make two records in there and it's paid for. But if Kelly makes one, he'll have to make three more to cover it. It's kind of a two steps forward/one step back kind of thing.

Someone informs Sharon that DMX is an hour and a half late. Sharon knows that the cameras are on, so she begins repeating how much she loves DMX. He apparently told the limo driver to leave without him. "He won't come," Sharon smiles. The rest of the room agrees with Sharon, saying that DMX is infamous for not showing up, and that he skipped out on the MTV Music Awards two years in a row. Jack materializes to suggest that Sharon call DMX herself to ask where the fuck he is. Sharon says that they can go with a crew to his house and ask him where he is. She wants to know why they can't all just leave now and go do the show at DMX's house. A producer informs Sharon that they actually have a show in this very building with two hundred people and other guests. Sharon can't wait to tell Ozzy about this. The producer tells Sharon to wait until they're doing the show, and then she can call Ozzy. Sharon disobeys and calls Ozzy immediately, but there's no answer. Ever. No voicemail? Sharon says it's really weird doing the show, because she'll say something and then she'll go to get Ozzy's reaction and he's not there. I wonder if that's a normal relationship. I'll ask Stee; he's in the next room. ["I'll ask Glark; he's down the hall taking a nap." -- Wing Chun]

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The Osbournes

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