The Osbournes
Rebel Without An Ozz

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Jack Off

Ozzy shows Nanny the studio and brags that there's no dog shit in it. "Yeah, yet," Nanny says, realizing that she just left the baby in a pile of dog shit somewhere. Ozzy starts watching his flat-screen television. Nanny leaves when she sees two girls in bikinis on the screen. They edit in a girl's voice asking, "Should we take our bikinis off?" Just stop with the editing. You're not even trying. It's so obvious.

Still paging DMX. Sharon still loves him for not giving a shit about her.

As we watch yet another montage of Ozzy wandering around, Sharon tells us that Ozzy misses her when she's at the show, but that now he's got a studio to keep him busy. Are you recapping the episode at minute fifteen of a twenty-four-minute show? Is there really that much of nothing going on over there? Sharon tells us that Ozzy's about to get a motorcycle. Oh. Ozzy's also fixing to get a shattered collarbone that will keep him busy for the rest of the time Sharon's busy at work.

Ozzy gets his "chopper" from a man who gives a quick ad for his Las Vegas...choppery. Ozzy thanks the man. Someone off-camera tells Ozzy he can sit on the motorcycle, but that he can't ride it: "We don't want you to hurt yourself." I guess that girl's probably fired now. Ozzy loves how the motorcycle feels. He revs the engine. He tells the group of laughing guys that Sharon thinks he's going to kill himself on this thing. "What a way to die, guys!" Ozzy roars.

Sharon wants to wing a sketch with D.L. Hughley. This producer (is this Corinne? Can't tell without the cat ears) doesn't even want Sharon to improvise breathing. By the way, DMX still hasn't shown up.

Jack can't wait to see his friend's dick. He's giddy and banging on the door in excitement. His friend tells Jack not to rush him: "Stop talking to me." Jack twirls another phallic symbol through the air in flushed anticipation. Jack's bad-haired friend gets a cell-phone call, and for some reason we have to watch it. Jack's dildo-making friend laughs and says he had to sit down. I mean, they edit in the line he probably says about an hour later about how he had to sit down as Jack keeps twirling his light saber. Todd. That's the name of dildo-maker. Bad Hair lies to whomever's on the phone and says they're all just sitting around. "Hey, Mom, uh, can I call you back in a little bit?" Then we are forced to see Todd with a cup on his dick, giggling in the bathroom doorway. I guess if I'm not going to have to see dog shit for half an hour, I should expect something as eye-roll-inducing in return. Todd asks for a cigarette.

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The Osbournes

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