The Osbournes
Rebel Without An Ozz

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Pamie: C- | Grade It Now!
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Jack Off

Sharon wants her husband. She can't find him. She finds Ozzy camped out on a couch somewhere. "I miss you so much!" she says as she hugs him.

Sleepy Kelly wanders into Jack's room. Jack asks if she wants to watch the midget porn he found on the internet. She says she doesn't, but stays there while he pulls it up and watches it. Jack shouts, "Yeah!" Kelly tells him to "click that off" because it's disgusting and he shouldn't be watching it. She says while watching it. Jack says he's eighteen and can do whatever he wants.

Sharon, wearing a dog blanket, tells Ozzy it's so good to be back home.

Jack's gang of idiots waggle the dildo at Kelly. Jack realizes that this is his time to get his sister back...by smacking her with his friends' dick.

Then there's a terrible mish-mash of editing to make it look like Sharon's night is ruined by Kelly's one scream looped over and over, while the dogs jump down and Ozzy looks confused and Jack screams Kelly's name and boys laugh from somewhere. Then it's just over and the boys walk back to their room quietly and Sharon's covered in dogs again, smiling. What is the point of little segments like that? Is it supposed to make us laugh, or is it to make us wonder if this show is now like the farm team for other shows? Once you start out on The Osbournes, learning how not to edit a segment, then you get to graduate to...Made or something.

Ozzy dances and makes a smoothie. Sharon has dogs. Apparently Ozzy makes a smoothie for the next hour and a half. A smoothie with rum. Sharon makes him turn off the blender. Ozzy guns it a few more times and then leaves it running. Ozzy asks Sharon if she'd like to come see his studio. "Never in a million years," she says.

Next week: Ozzy loses a ring. And the week after that: Jack orders a pizza. Then: Kelly buys new shoelaces. And finally: Sharon moisturizes! I am breathless.

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The Osbournes

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