The Osbournes

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

4-3
Recap

Jack Off

Rebel Without An Ozz - Jack finally gets his friends to make dildos for him. Ozzy gets a studio. Sharon thinks we care about her show.

02.09.2004
02.11.2004
C-

Pamie

4-2
Recap

Blood On The Highway

Car Jacked - Jack gets his driver's license.

02.02.2004
02.03.2004
D+

Pamie

4-1
Recap

Sharon Has a Show?

The Show Must Go Oz! - Like an infomercial for bad.

01.26.2004
01.29.2004
C+

Pamie

3-11
Recap

Nurse!

The Osbourne Family Christmas Special - Lying in his hospital room, with broken ribs, hooked up to a ventilator...Stee can only imagine Ozzy reaching his trembling finger out, trying to hit the "nurse" button, desperate to have someone, anyone come and turn off the TV before he has to watch one more second of this Sharon-organized horror he was too drugged out to resist taking part in. Reach, Ozzy! Reach!

12.11.2003
12.18.2003
F

Stee

3-10
Recap

Punk'd

Ozz Well That Ends Well - The House Of Ozzy goes nuts as Jack begins violent-sleepwalking and Kelly breaks up with Burt. Things turn really ugly, however, when.well. When something really bad happens. Or does it? MTV and the Osbourne clan pull one of the biggest "Psych!"s in television history.

08.11.2003
08.17.2003
A+

Stee

3-9
Recap

Moog Indigo

Bye Bye Babies - Ozzy fails two breathalyzer tests administered by his family. Yeah, he's about as "clean and sober" as Ben Affleck at the Gigli premiere party. Meanwhile, Jack and the soon-to-be-booted Robert take a vacation to the Osbournes' English mansion.where they invite over a bunch of English rich kids, who live with their parents and do nothing, to hang out with dogs and drink and watch TV. Ah, nothing like a vacation to let you try new and different things and to experience another culture. I'm just glad trucker caps haven't made their way across the pond yet. Meanwhile, Sharon is very sad, and Ozzy eats carrot cake.

08.04.2003
08.09.2003
B-

Stee

3-8
Recap

Fishing With Oz

Angler Management - Originally wanting to take Jack fishing when he was one year old, apparently, Ozzy has to make do with taking the seventeen-year-old high-as-hell Jack out on a boat in Long Island Harbor/Sound/whatever. Of course, Jack can't not have a sycophant there, so he brings his friend, Underbite, while Ozzy brings Bitch Boy and some other dude. Much drinking and fishing and fireworks and senile repeating of things ensues. Plus, they actually fish a little, as well.

07.28.2003
08.03.2003
B-

Stee

3-7
Recap

Courtney Loves, America Hates

A Little Ditty About Jack And Brieann - For some reason, the Osbourne kids are hanging around with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain's gorgeous half-sister Brieann. Courtney continues her baffling metamorphosis into Carol Channing, but the biggest mystery is why exactly the beautiful Brieann is hanging around with Jack, Kelly, and the woman who killed her brother.

07.21.2003
07.26.2003
B+

Stee

3-6
Recap

Forty, No Love

Tennis Racket - It's The Battle Of The Pointlessly Rich when the Osbournes feud with their neighbors, who have either built, or simply have started to use, their backyard tennis court, annoying the hell out of the Family of Darkness. Things turn serious, elevating from shouts to paintball guns to missing cats.

07.14.2003
07.18.2003
B

Stee

3-5
Recap

Babies, Rabies, and Labies

Mama, I'm Staying Home - When Sharon, Kelly, and Jack go to New York, Ozzy opts to stay home alone -- well, just him, eight dogs, three cats, five housekeepers, and one Bitch Boy. The family gone, Ozzy goes nuts with freedom, buying English specialty food, watching the History Channel, and going shopping at Williams-Sonoma. Wow, that's exactly what Stee's mom would do too. Kelly reveals her deep lack of understanding of female genitalia when Bad Nanny gets pregnant.

07.07.2003
07.12.2003
B

Stee

3-4
Recap

Jack and the Mean Stalk

Fists Of Fury - Sharon and Ozzy make the terrible mistake of going to Hawaii for a vacation, leaving Kelly and Jack alone. Jack promptly invites every wannabe actor and actress in a trucker hat or a halter within a five-mile radius over to the house. Kelly, however, does not like Jack's partying ways, and the siblings get into a big poolside grudge match.

06.30.2003
07.04.2003
B

Stee

3-3
Recap

When I'm Fifty-Four

Run Ozzy Run - On his 54th birthday, Ozzy undertakes an epic quest to run five miles. Of course, he fails…at first. But perhaps the most Wagnerian spectacle in the episode is Ozzy's heroic battle with the voice-recognition system of his new BMW.

06.23.2003
06.28.2003
A

Stee

3-2
Recap

A Flea In Her Ear

Flea's A Crowd - Ozzy freaks when "bugs" (fleas) take over the house. In a spectacular display of why it's good to have money -- instead of solving the flea problem at the source -- they just get all new furniture. Also, Kelly gets a nose ring, which Sharon says looks like a "blackhead."

06.16.2003
06.22.2003
F

Stee

3-1
Recap

Disturrrrrrrbing

What A Boy Wants - Ah, the Osbourne clan is back for a third season of madcap cancer-recovery, spoiled-bratitude, and disturbingly untrained animals. Ozzy ODs on nitrous oxide at the dentist, as Jack and Kelly battle over Kelly's feud with Christina Aguilera. Just your normal family issues.

06.09.2003
06.13.2003
B+

Stee

2-10
Recap

I F***ing Do

My Big Fat Jewish Wedding - Ozzy and Sharon, because they haven't quite spent enough money lately, decide to renew their marriage vows in a lavish ceremony at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Ozzy is nervous. Sharon is glowing. Jack is cruising the "ladies." Kelly is thankfully quiet. To offset the minimal dog poo in this final episode of the season, we do get Justin Timberlake and Marilyn Manson. Sharon's evening doesn't end with the big bang she'd hoped, as Ozzy gets really drunk and passes out before he can pop the Viagra.

02.10.2003
02.14.2003
B+

Stee

2-9
Recap

Always Bet On Jack

Viva Ozz Vegas - Kelly turns eighteen, and instead of "making a big deal about it," the family just charters two private planes and flies all their friends out for a weekend in Vegas. Of course, Kelly and Jack can't drink (legally), so everyone is just tense and being followed around at all times by security. Ozzy greets fans. Sharon dresses up. Jack watches Teletubbies. And Kelly gets blotto with Fired Sarah and makes an ass out of herself. Kelly is outdoing Courtney Love these days -- both in bratty behavior and records sold, sadly.

02.03.2003
02.07.2003
B-

Stee

2-8
Recap

Dirrrty

Cleanliness Is Next To Ozzyness - Ozzy runs around the house cleaning up poo. Yes, suddenly, when Sharon is sick, Ozzy finally notices that his house is overrun by tiny yippy dogs who somehow all managed to miss that very important step in a domesticated dog's life: housetraining. Sharon, for her part, refuses to play along, inviting the "bug"-ridden dogs into her bed and squashing Ozzy's big dream of building an outdoor kennel for the dogs with a giggle and an "absolutely not." Meanwhile, Jack pals around with Robert.

01.27.2003
01.31.2003
B-

Stee

2-7
Recap

Kellys Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

It's A Hard Knock Life - Kelly gets a recording contract. Kelly gets rich. Kelly gets famous on her own right, and not just as the daughter of the Oz. Kelly gets to fly private jets back and forth across the country and drop out of school and go get drunk every night with no repercussions from her family. Kelly is horribly miserable. In this episode, poor Kelly slaps, screams, yells, and hits. And that's just what she does to Bad Nanny. Also, Jack is an ineffectual band manager. He needs to take some lessons from Sharon.

01.20.2003
01.24.2003
C+

Stee

2-6
Recap

More Anal Rape Than Oz

Meow Means No! - In lieu of an actual storyline, the producers just keep shooting footage of the animals. Partly because animals are wild, but more because no one has any rules at Chez Osbourne, one of the dogs ass-rapes one of the cats. In keeping with that theme, Jason Dill comes to stay again, once again sending Jack's confused homosexual urges into overdrive; they come to a head in an extended shirtless wrestling match with Dill which is less straight out of the WWE and more straight out of Deliverance. Also, Sharon fires Kelly's drummer, giving her a payoff worthy of the Mob.

01.13.2003
01.17.2003
C+

Stee

2-5
Recap

Just Say F*** No

Smells Like Teen Spirits - Kelly and Jack enjoy the teenage freedom every good warm-blooded kid should exercise: the right to get stinking drunk and wobble home and yell at their parents. Meanwhile, Ozzy goes on a Jim Morrison-worthy burrito binge, and Sharon reunites with her father.

01.06.2003
01.10.2003
C+

Stee

2-4
Recap

Kelly and Smelly

Beauty And The Bert - Kelly gets a boyfriend who has two nicknames. One is Pukey, because he pukes on stage. And the other refers to his penis resembling a certain odd-looking vegetable because of venereal disease. The chickens are finally coming home to roost for Ozzy and Sharon, aren't they.

12.16.2002
12.20.2002
B

Stee

2-3
Recap

Light My Fire

The Ozz Man And The Sea - Ozzy gets some weird notions into his head. One of those things is this idea: to build a huge bonfire on the beach! His ostensible reason is to cheer up Sharon, but really he just likes to burn things. Then somehow in the middle of that, he gets another idea: to go fishing in the Pacific Ocean, with cheese. Don't ask. Just read.

12.09.2002
12.10.2002
B-

Stee

2-2
Recap

Black Sabbath

Must Come Down - Tragedy strikes the suddenly uber-uber-famous family when Sharon discovers she has colon cancer. Ozzy starts drinking again, self-medicating while on tour, and then tries to stop. Kelly puts her pain into her Donnas-like solo album while Jack goes on a surfin’ safari. We all have our own way of dealing with the pain.

12.02.2002
12.04.2002
B+

Stee

2-1
Recap

The Osbourne Slump

What Goes Up - Well, after a seven-month period during which they reached maximum overexposure, Ozzy and crew are back with their second season. While we don't touch on Sharon's cancer yet, we do get a barometer of the clan, including seeing the effects of the show's success. So, are the Osbournes played out? Did the hype kill it? F*&! no.

11.25.2002
12.01.2002
B

Stee

1-10
Recap

My Dinner With Ozzy

Dinner With Ozzy - In a slight variation from the rest of the season, this final episode (all together now: "No!!!") features Ozzy being served a full multi-course meal in a controlled, Masterpiece Theatre-esque set while imparting to us pearls of Oz-wisdom; never-before- and before-seen clips illustrate his teachings. Just go. I'm no good at goodbyes. GO!!!

05.06.2002
05.10.2002
A

Stee

1-9
Recap

Gravy Train!

A Very Ozzy Christmas - It just ain't Christmas until the family is bickering, Dad is boasting tirelessly about his gravy, and the security guard has been arrested for breaking into a local home while the parents are on a nationwide rock tour, is it?

04.29.2002
05.04.2002
A

Stee

1-8
Recap

Dill Hole

No Vagrancy - Things are tough for Ozzy these days. Not only can Ozzy not open his The Best of Chris Farley DVD, but Jack has taken a boy-shine to a Jesse Camp-y pro skater named Jason Dill. Jason moves into the house, leaving broken griddles and hair-goo in his wake.

04.22.2002
04.27.2002
A

Stee

1-7
Recap

Kelly Whines. Ozzy Wines.

Get Stuffed - Ozzy, while telling us that he should never drink, gets ripped on wine and then tries to walk Lola. It doesn't work out too well. Oh yeah, and this is during Thanksgiving dinner, which is then ruined. Fed up with his meddling family, Ozzy then goes out on tour alone, forbidding the family to come along. You think that will stop Sharon? Yeah, right.

04.15.2002
04.17.2002
A

Stee

1-6
Recap

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

Trouble In Paradise - Ozzy, hobbled by a mysterious shin fracture (rumor is he fell off the wagon, and then actually fell off the wagon), squirms like he's the one being lectured as the 'rents sit down to talk to Kelly and Jack about the drugs, the alcohol, and the constant partying. Funny -- Jack and Kelly sat down to have the exact same conversation with Ozzy ten years ago.

04.08.2002
04.12.2002
B+

Stee

1-5
Recap

Sweating With The Oldies

Tour Of Duty - Ozzy goes on the road, working out first to get in shape. Watch it anytime you feel so crappy at exercising and so out of shape that it's just not worth it -- you'll instantly feel like there's hope.

04.01.2002
04.05.2002
A

Stee

1-4
Recap

A Rich English Snot Is A Person In Your Neighborhood

Won't You Be My Neighbor? - They're the people that you meet, each, day! A role-reversal too hokey to be believed -- if it wasn't true -- occurs when Ozzy and Fam are kept awake every night by loud neighbors. Sharon don't play that.

03.25.2002
03.28.2002
A+

Stee

1-3
Recap

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

For The Record - Here I am at "Camp Rich-kid-adda." The kids hate all me, cuz I'm so odd. I threw rocks at all the campers please don't be mad! Yup, Jack goes to camp and gets into deep doo-doo. Meanwhile, Ozzy does press in New York while Kelly gets a tattoo. Oh, and then Jack has to listen to Ozzy on Loveline talking about his Viagra usage. No wonder he's about to go Jason Voorhees on everyone.

03.18.2002
03.21.2002
A

Stee

1-2
Recap

Frodo battles pee!

Bark At The Moon - If we just got scene upon scene of Ozzy and fam ranting and raving as their numerous dogs piss and shit everywhere, it would be enough. But no, there is so much more. Kelly lets us know just how far up her crack her thong is, Ozzy reveals his hatred of vacuum cleaners and Billy Corgan, and Elijah Wood cleans up dog pee.

03.11.2002
03.15.2002
A

Stee

1-1
Recap

All Aboard!

There Goes The Neighborhood - The best show ever on television debuts with our introductory look into the home life of metal legend Ozzy Osbourne and family. It's almost indescribably good; but Stee will do his best.

03.04.2002
03.08.2002
A+

Stee

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