The Osbournes

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | 509 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
When I'm Fifty-Four

Kitchen. Body By Jake is pouring water and explaining -- in his fake overly-enthusiastic trainer way that makes you want to punch him out -- that Ozzy wanted to get up and go at six, and now they're "cooling down" (don't you do that afterwards?) and having some turkey. Should you really eat turkey right before you run five miles? "Nothing to it, right?" asks Body By Jake. Ozzy ignores him as Body By Jake laughs and then pours what he calls a "Pete-approved concoction." (Hee. He said "cock.") And also: I guess his name is Pete. I don't like that name for him. Body By Jake it is.

And they go. Body By Jake says, "What's up with this?" about his new BMW. Ozzy swears. Body By Jake jokes that it might take them a while to get there in this thing and does it have any speed? He laughs to the camera, and Ozzy shuts the door on him. He asks Ozzy if he wants another piece of turkey. "No!" Ozzy maybe says. Now there is more fun showing Body By Jake the voice recognition system of KITT. It ignores Ozzy; it listens to Bitch Boy. They discuss how it's supposed to work for anyone's voice, and Ozzy says "radio on" a couple of times, and it says, "Pardon me?" Body By Jake finds it all very amusing, and then it gives Ozzy the "Radio Menu" and Ozzy remarks that he doesn't want the fucking radio menu. Ozzy then wonders what the hell he's doing, and laughing, he tells KITT to "fuck off." KITT responds, "Telephone menu." Everyone laughs. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Please state your message," says KITT. "Fuck off," says Ozzy. "Pardon me?" says KITT. Ozzy turns back to the camera, laughing. Ozzy keeps telling KITT to "fuck off." I won't mention the last little joke because once again, it's totally faked. Much like Demi's Moore teeth.

At the track. Body By Jake is trying to pump Ozzy up by talking a mile a minute. I would so yell for him to shut the fuck up if I was about to run five miles. He talks about Ozzy's back and legs, and they stretch as Body By Jake talks about his laces and then even demonstrates how he's going to hand Ozzy his drink container as they run, and he should just squeeze it and "give it a punch." Ozzy gives it a punch. Ozzy would like to give Body By Jake a punch, I'm sure. More stretching. Ah, Bitch Boy is going to run too. His cell phone rings, and he has a jaunty conversation. Bitch Boy's cell rings again, and he has another jaunty talk. The phone rings once more as they're walking a lap, and Ozzy says, "Turn the fucking phone off, Tony. Turn it off." Bitch Boy jauntily says he has to go. "Get rid of it," says Ozzy, and Bitch Boy throws it, open, into the grass. That's really not very good for your phone. Ozzy jokingly goes to kick it, and Bitch Boy yells for him not to. Body By Jake finds it very amusing. Bitch Boy runs and retrieves his cell phone.

The Osbournes

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