The Osbournes
Run Ozzy Run

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When I'm Fifty-Four

MTV is just starting to use promos with a trucker's cap? Way to be on the cutting edge, there, guys. Oh, and hey. Good luck with VH1.

House. Night. Ozzy shuffles out of his bedroom and tells the passing Sharon that someone has been in his room and has stolen the beers out of his room. Sharon pithily replies, "I don't think so, darling," totally stumping Ozzy, who just sort of groans a reply. "Who would do that?" ask Sharon. Ozzy mumbles again, slack-jawed. Ozzy is like my cat. I talk to her, and she meows a little and then sits there with her mouth partially open, trying very hard to figure out what the fuck I'm saying and why, but really all she knows is that I'm moving my mouth in some sort of communicative pattern. Sharon goes on, "Who could possibly do that? Who's the beer thief? You! You're the beer thief." Sharon breezes into the next room, leaving Ozzy literally and figuratively scratching his head. Hee. And also: blackouts and alcoholism are funny, MTV! Thanks! And I'm sure we'll witness a lot more of that on MTV during the next three or four years of Ashton Kutcher's sure-to-be-quick life. (I'm kidding! Ashton is totally not going to die. He's going to live, forever!)

The title: "Run Ozzy Run." House. Day. Fake "Eye of the Tiger" music plays as Ozzy works out with the guy who is sort of that Body By Jake guy. Ozzy benches 25 pounds. Ozzy curls 15. Ozzy boxes, surprisingly spry and fast on the bag. I'm sure when I'm his age I'll just look at a punching bag and get winded. Ozzy is on the Stairmaster. Body By Jake tells us that Ozzy is running five miles tomorrow on his birthday (Ozzy's, not Body By Jake's -- that would be sweet, but weird). Ozzy does 700 crunches. What? Seriously? I can't believe it. He's my idol. Body By Jake babbles to Ozzy to keep his mind off his workout, talking about the run tomorrow and how it'll be nice and cool and how old are you now? "Fifty-four years of hell-raising," says Ozzy, looking right now like he couldn't raise a Tootsie Pop to his lips, let alone all of hell. Body By Jake keeps babbling, saying some bullshit about how Ozzy "coined" the phrase, "You gotta work hard and play hard." He did? Really? Are you sure? Body By Jake now stands behind Ozzy, lifting his arms up. Like a four-year-old, Ozzy starts smiling and says, "Yeah! Fifty-four!" So strange. And then he stops smiling. Body By Jake totally "yes and's" him by saying, "Bring it on, right?" Wow.

Then Ozzy cools down and tells us he's stoked for tomorrow's run. Bitch Boy, meanwhile, calls the driver/dealer who is delivering Ozzy's new BMW. "Put the fucking pedal to the metal," Ozzy yells.

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The Osbournes

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