The Osbournes
Run Ozzy Run

Episode Report Card
Stee: A | Grade It Now!
When I'm Fifty-Four

At the track. Body By Jake is trying to pump Ozzy up by talking a mile a minute. I would so yell for him to shut the fuck up if I was about to run five miles. He talks about Ozzy's back and legs, and they stretch as Body By Jake talks about his laces and then even demonstrates how he's going to hand Ozzy his drink container as they run, and he should just squeeze it and "give it a punch." Ozzy gives it a punch. Ozzy would like to give Body By Jake a punch, I'm sure. More stretching. Ah, Bitch Boy is going to run too. His cell phone rings, and he has a jaunty conversation. Bitch Boy's cell rings again, and he has another jaunty talk. The phone rings once more as they're walking a lap, and Ozzy says, "Turn the fucking phone off, Tony. Turn it off." Bitch Boy jauntily says he has to go. "Get rid of it," says Ozzy, and Bitch Boy throws it, open, into the grass. That's really not very good for your phone. Ozzy jokingly goes to kick it, and Bitch Boy yells for him not to. Body By Jake finds it very amusing. Bitch Boy runs and retrieves his cell phone.

Body By Jake babbles about how this is the day to do it and the sun isn't "banging" on them (ew) and Bitch Boy has his "Olympic training gear" on. Ozzy and Body By Jake bump fists, and then they start running, the three of them. They're off!

Running. Running. MTV plays friggin' Benny Hill music as they run. Body By Jake babbles about just "gliding" and talking about the birthday. In a long shot, schoolgirls speed past the three. Hee. "You're fit. You're athletic. That's the good stuff, Ozzy," Body By Jake says. "This is a benchmark," says Body By Jake. "This is big news," says Body By Jake. Body By Jake tells him to "lengthen [his] stride."

Uh-oh. Then Ozzy stops. He mumbles that he can't do it and that his foot hurts -- something about wearing the wrong shoes yesterday. He says he got up wrong today and everything was wrong this morning. Aw. That's sad. Body By Jake wants to walk some laps. Ozzy hasn't broken in his shoes. Ozzy swears a lot, and then Body By Jake says they'll just rest today and do it tomorrow. Body By Jake keeps babbling as they walk, asking him if he wants to do it tomorrow. He tells Ozzy not to apologize and keeps talking about how it's not "lack of conditioning" but the fact that Ozzy wore a shoe yesterday that "irritated [his] foot." Yeah, and he also did tons of drugs decades ago that irritated his brain. Body By Jake is so fucking chipper. He could be in 1944 Warsaw and he'd be saying, "Yeah. No. This is great. This is the good stuff. You know, sure we're herded onto a train, but it's an adventure. It's fun times. Choo choo, right, guys?"

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The Osbournes




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