The Osbournes
Run Ozzy Run

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When I'm Fifty-Four

Back in the car. KITT ignores Ozzy. Body By Jake says, "But you know what? Big round of applause for coming out here and putting out the effort." Neil Young sings "Heart of Gold," and the Boys With Avids are behind this obviously as they fade out on a shot of Ozzy, with Neil singing, "And I'm getting old…" Commercials.

House. Day. Ozzy opens some gifts. One is a book on World War II. Ozzy keeps opening, talking to Bitch Boy. He says again, mysteriously, that he got up on the wrong foot this morning. What the hell does that mean? That's an eerie phrase he keeps repeating. Then Ozzy says, "Pete. He never shuts the fuck up." Hee. I'm glad he noticed. Bitch Boy then says he's noticed that he never drinks water. Ozzy has noticed that. Now Ozzy goes off, as we get a montage of shots of Body By Jake. "He never sweats. He never takes a piss. He never eats or drinks. Pete is not human…he's the devil personified. He's talking all the fucking time..." Ozzy keeps going off until he once again says that he's a "fucking alien, man." That's funny. Or as Body By Jake would say, "That's big news right there." "How old is he?" asks Bitch Boy. "Seventeen," Ozzy deadpans. Ha.

Upstairs. Railing. Sharon demonstrates how she can put her leg up on the railing, and then walks away. Ozzy tries it, and then can't get down. "I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm permanently here, Sharon. I ain't fucking joking."

Jack and crew get Ozzy to come downstairs early, making him come outside and look up at the sky. Jack is eating cereal with some tiny sixty-pound blonde ho. Nice work, Jack. They look up to the sky where a skywriter is writing, "Ozzy." Ozzy looks at it and then declares, "It's crap!" He complains it's too far up in the sky. Goddamn, that's funny. Everyone yells at him, saying they'd love it if it was their name and how great to have your name written five miles up in the sky, and Sharon just stares at him and calls him a "miserable old fuck. I'm going to make him write 54 now," she says. Suddenly Ozzy is enjoying it and he says, "Ah, Sharon. That's so beautiful," and goes to kiss her. Bitch Boy reveals his deep lack of funny as he says, "He's going to crash now." Jack then brags that he has real fireworks for tonight. "Whoa," says Ozzy.

Ozzy sits in the living room as Sharon asks him if he saw the cake Larry King brought him. What a fucking surreal statement. They ask if he wants cake, and he says that of course he wants cake, but he's training. Now some dude brings in a cake (Larry King's?) and opens it. It's great, with a gigantic bat on it. Ozzy says he loves it. Sharon tells him he can't have a piece yet.

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The Osbournes

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