Wow. Okay. That's how they're going to do it. They're going to show four episodes and then fucking hang us out there for weeks. Sure, I know it was Christmas, but even UPN will tell you, you've got to build momentum. I'm afraid they've killed the momentum on this crazy train. Maybe I'm afraid for no good reason. Maybe I just spent the last week watching everything from Joe Millionaire to High School Reunion to The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (which is brilliant this year, by the way), to the whole P.Diddy Making the Band 2 extravaganza, and I've just had an overkill of poorly-crafted stories and misleading editing. Or maybe I'm still drunk on eggnog. That's quite possible.
Ozzy sits in an office with BitchBoy, who immediately gains stature just by the fact that he's behind a desk and Ozzy sits in front of it. He tells Ozzy that his (Ozzy's) eldest daughter Jessica (the fuck?) is going into labor. Ozzy firmly predicts it's going to be a girl. Cut to…
Ozzy, at home, gets a call that it's a boy. Bad Nanny calls him a "little grandfather." "Don't fucking say that to me!" shouts Ozzy.
Opening theme. Love it still. I love it the exact amount that I hated the Anna Nicole Smith opening song. God, that fucking cloying terrible piece of doo-doo. (And the theme song was bad as well.)
We're told the episode is called "Smells Like Teen Spirits." Kurt Cobain is rolling over in the British Columbia farm house he's hiding out in. The episode features guest star "Mandy Moore," and I see they're using the term "star" very loosely these days.
House. Night. Big living room conversation with Kelly standing in front of the fam and Bad Nanny and others, relating to Sharon how she got so drunk, drinking until 7:45 in the morning. Goddamn. I went to college in the middle of New York City and I don't think I ever did that. Maybe 6 AM, but at some point, you have to take a nap. Sharon doesn't really want to hear it, but she does. Jack can't believe she's getting away with this. Kelly tells Jack that she's "responsible," whereas he isn't. Yes, she was responsibly nodding off during Matt Lauer's interview with Sam Rockwell and a check of the weather in your neck of the woods. Kelly goes on about how she over-tipped the cab driver, who then asked, "Can I fuck your ass?" Kelly went running down the street in horror. See, that's just plain rude. She could have at least turned him down politely. Kelly ended up falling asleep in some random person's apartment and going home in the morning. Sharon doesn't yell or bitch, but rather expresses her dismay that this all this happened in forty-eight hours. Good mom. Sharon goes on that her life is so eventful. "I haven't even taken a shit in forty-eight hours," says Sharon. Nice. Sharon doesn't look so good, by the way. Just a bit skinny and tired, and now she's going to be doing a talk show too? How about just getting better? That's should be her job.
House. Day. A car drives up. A jaunty-looking old man gets out and hugs Sharon. He looks like Anthony Hopkins in that movie about Picasso. Ozzy then camera-talks about how Sharon was estranged for twenty years from her father and one day Ozzy told her it was bullshit and made Sharon call him. Ozzy jokes that it was the worst thing he ever did because now they're never off the phone.