The Osbournes
Smells Like Teen Spirits

Episode Report Card
Stee: C+ | Grade It Now!
Just Say F*** No

Back. Ozzy works out. The TV plays Bette Midler singing "Wing Beneath My Wings." Ozzy looks suspiciously at the TV.

Giant Trainer knocks on Jack's door for about a minute, listening to see if he can hear anything. Poor guy. Going get fucking fired.

Meanwhile, Kelly throws up in the bathroom. Ozzy, because he's been through this a million times with himself, offers to go get Kelly a bottle of water and tells her to stay still. Kelly yells that she has to get up because she has a radio interview on hold; she put the phone down because she had to puke. Meanwhile, the lady can probably totally hear this exchange. Brilliant. Kelly finally gets up and says, "Hi, Sylvia, sorry."

Kelly, looking like ass, is in Sharon's make-up room, waiting to get made up as Sharon is currently. Kelly tells us that she's a terrible drunk, because she doesn't remember anything and she's violent and mean. Sharon asks what this tells her? Kelly says that she can't drink. No one believes her, but she says she's not going out this weekend, that she'll die if she does. Sharon starts telling Kelly she should have a roll with butter and bacon and ketchup, trying to make her puke. Kelly goes on that there's no more drinking. When Sharon talks about pink sausages, Kelly finally goes to puke.

Working out. Jack lifts while Giant Trainer barks at him. Robert glides on the machine in the background. Giant Trainer tells Jack that when he has his buddies over on the weekend, this is the party right here. Hee. It's such a sad losing effort to try to turn Jack Osbourne into a meathead jock whose idea of a good time is to get together with his guy friends and work out together. Actually, I can't believe that's anyone's idea of a good time. Jack is hurting, telling us that he's been partying every night this week and his bones need a rest.

Sharon says goodbye to Gramps, closing the door. She says, "You fucking piece of shit," joking, I hope.

Big family dinner with random friends there too. Formal dinner while bemused staff wait on them. Sharon talks about some bully who Sharon had to yell at to leave Kelly alone. Kelly says that he used to masturbate on the back of the bus with porno mags. They reminisce about a housekeeper with big gold teeth. Sharon says she looked like Master P with an apron on. Goddamn, that's funny. It's also very funny that the captioners thought it was "masturbating with an apron on." But then again, why wouldn't they? This is The Osbournes, after all. "There's a fly in there," says Ozzy, pointing. People wave it away and then Ozzy, doing schtick, hits himself in the head. He then gets up saying he's going to eat a burrito. (Even though they obviously just dubbed that in for a joke, it's still funny.)

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The Osbournes




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