The Osbournes
Tennis Racket

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Stee: B | Grade It Now!
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Forty, No Love

Hotel hallway. A room service tray filled with food slides down the hall with the camera mounted on it, as if Spike Lee shot this episode. Ozzy, having finished his meal, sits at a table waiting for dessert. Bitch Boy indeed brings him dessert -- a pack of gum. Ozzy is very excited, until he actually tries to open the thing. He mumbles and stutters and curses until finally a piece of gum pops out, landing on the floor. Ozzy picks it off the floor and pops it into his mouth. Hasn't he seen those reports about hotel rooms and what the black lights show everywhere? Four out of five dentists don't recommend putting that into your mouth. Credits. Song.

This episode is called "Tennis Racket."

Music box music plays as the Osbournes sleep. And a noise breaks the silence -- it's the neighbors playing tennis. Ozzy is woken up. Kelly comes and complains to Sharon, who calls the neighbors "bastards." Sharon bitches that it's their tennis court, which is "constantly, constantly used." I have no rich friends, but I have seen a good deal of private tennis courts in what I like to call my "Extreme Jealousy Drives" through the Hollywood and Beverly Hills, and I have yet to see a private tennis court being used. Kelly bitches that they're listening to Crazytown. Okay, that's too much -- they need to call 911 right the fuck now. Sharon is aghast and says, "Let's burn their house down." Since last week when they actually played her saying that, something has obviously changed in the MTV or Sharon Osbourne lawyer camp, because suddenly they've bleeped out the whole sentence. They were either afraid the neighbors could use it against them, or that kids love Sharon Osbourne so much they'd follow her words and start lighting their neighbors' houses on fire for parking in their driveway or stealing their newspaper.

House. Day. Garden. A cat roams. A flower. Ozzy makes tea in the kitchen. He and Sharon go out onto their balcony to chill. The tennis people are playing and yelling. Some little girl yells, "We all win!" which indicates that she doesn't know how to play tennis at all, because the whole point of tennis is that one person feels good about himself at the end, while the other feels like shit. Why play, otherwise? Ozzy is working on another scary drawing, unbothered, he's so into his art, while Sharon hangs her head annoyed and says, "Jesus Christ" -- although she might have just caught a glimpse of Ozzy's drawing.

Someone at the gate signs for a delivery. That night, Sharon opens it. It was obviously messengered from next door -- which is really funny. They called someone and paid a company twenty bucks to pick something up and drive it next door. I guess it makes sense that if you live behind a gate, never even parking out on the street, you would literally never talk to your neighbors. Sharon opens it to find a note from someone who says she/he is "sort of" one of her annoying neighbors. We see a FLASHBACK of Sharon yelling at the bratty English kid and then Sharon throwing the ham over the fence, saying that this is a picture of his wife's cunt. Then Ozzy shuffles along carrying a log -- which sounds way dirtier than I intended. "Ozzy, not wood!" shouts Sharon, which also sounds dirtier than she intended. Ozzy throws the wood into a window and gets caught on a hammock trying to run (read: shuffle slowly) away.

The note says that the "dog artwork and dog necklace" were made by a friend, and this is sent as a peace offering. She goes on to say that she recently lost her dog to coyotes. Man, this neighbor is not only loud and has bratty kids, but she also has terrible taste. Sharon, meanwhile, thinks it's "so damn cute." She says that she has to go over there tomorrow. No she won't.

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The Osbournes

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