The Osbournes
Tennis Racket

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Forty, No Love

Backyard. Jack is grilling. Ozzy says it's like living between John McEnroe's lunatic brother and Peter, Paul, and Hitler. Okay, I get it. Who knew Ozzy would ever swoop in to clear anything up? The ham/singing/English neighbors are on one side, while the tennis people are on another. Ozzy yells for the tennis players to shut the fuck up, but he doesn't full-voice it. He bitches that they couldn't have built the tennis court any closer to Ozzy's backyard. I don't think they just built this, though, because the Osbournes have only been here for three years, and we wouldn't have learned about the construction during the show. Ozzy fantasizes about having his band rehearse in the yard. Jack asks if he should go get his drum kit. "If you want to," says Ozzy. "I think I will," says Jack. As one of the dogs plays happily with a tennis ball that's flown over the fence, Ozzy says that it's about time they had another family feud.

Jack has the drums set up and Ozzy says, "Go for it, son," with the same tone as when he was watching the dogs hump last week. A little creepy, that. Ozzy and Lola both watch Jack bang a gong. Wow. I never thought anyone could be a worse drummer than Kelly's friend Sarah, but lo and behold, I give you Jack Osbourne. Ozzy shuffles inside, yelling, "Sharon!" as if he'd suddenly realized his son is a shitty musician, and the realization hurts. Or he just got stung by a bee.

Kitchen. A cat jumps athletically onto the counter to eat. Sharon says she's going to the English Tea Room for scones and tea. Ozzy -- bored and lonely, I guess, or just in need of some scones -- asks if he should come with. Kelly, playing with Lola, says she's going to go buy a cat because Sharon wants a new rag doll. Ozzy starts twitching, and says, "Kelly, can I ask you a favor?" and tells her "no more fucking animals." Kelly and Sharon start incongruously talking about how kittens don't even leave the one room for two months. (Really, the only people who should be bitching about no more cats are the help.) Ozzy begs, and Sharon literally turns her back on Ozzy, saying, "I can't." "Of course you can," says Ozzy. But the matter is settled, and Sharon goes outside to feed the dogs licks from some sort of dog treats in a toothpaste tube. Yuck. Ozzy deadpans that he should change his name to "Ozzy Doolittle." Well, judging from his word searches and his drawings and his backyard MetRx-shake-fests, I'd say the name fits. (Get it? Because he does so little. No? Okay.)

Night. Sharon sits out on the balcony as the neighbors blast music and play tennis. Sharon bitches that she wishes she had something to throw. "I think they need more than a ham."

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The Osbournes

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