The Osbournes
Tennis Racket

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Forty, No Love

Inside. Sharon asks Lola to go outside and bark. She asks Lola to be a dog for once, and then escorts the obedient and confused dog out the door. Jack eats as Sharon bitches that there's never any peace and she can't go outside or even have the door open because of the constant noise. She says that last night she wanted to hang out in the yard, but there were a million people next door with the tennis, and getting angrier she yells about "McEnroe making so much fucking noise!" Someone yells back, and Sharon yells, "Fuck you!" and shuts the door. Commercials.

Wow, these MTV "Hard Rock Live" concerts they're doing couldn't feature bands I dislike more -- except for The Roots and Queens, they're good. But I'm glad they're all bad -- I just saved ten hours of my life.

House. Day. Tennis. Sharon and Bad Nanny hang around Sharon's room. Sharon invokes poor McEnroe's name once more as they discuss how rude the neighbors are. Bad Nanny does a pretty good impression of a Beverly Hills lady saying, "Hello. My son is here to play tennis. Can you let him in?" "They need a bollocking," decrees Sharon. Indeed. What's that?

Lawn. We pan across the lawn, seeing tennis ball after tennis ball. Ozzy sits in the yard making his scary drawing. Whoa! Even Marilyn Manson would see this one and be like, "Yo, dude. That's some fucked up shit." Then Ozzy stands up and starts doing some dumbbell curls, smiling to some unseen figure. Or to the ghosts of his past. Then he puts on some classical music and goes back to his art. Tennis interrupts him until Ozzy gets up and puts on a CD of heavy heavy shit. It's one of those bands where the lead singer just screams, ripping up his vocal chords. Love it. Ozzy watches as one of the tennis kids jumps up and down to the music. Ozzy goes back to his drawing.

Neighborhood. Mister Rogers' Neighborhood music plays as some Ozzy helper tells Bitch Boy and Bad Nanny that the neighbor who owns the house next door says there is cat shit on the tennis court and cat hair on her outdoor furniture, and she wants someone to come clean it up. Okay, no cat would shit in the middle of a tennis court. It's probably the coyotes. Or Jason Dill. A cat drinks from the sink as the dude suggests they should get the cat shit and tell the lady they're going to do a forensic study to make sure it's really their cats. He goes on to say that the lady is "afraid of cats," and that the black cat worked its way down to a bowling alley they have beneath the tennis courts. Bad Nanny, a big fan of the sport of bowling, wants now to make friends with the lady. Jesus. Rich people are crazy. Afraid of cats? For real? There really is nothing quite as bone-chilling as the sound of a meow.

House. Day. Sharon gets her make-up done as Ozzy sits on the floor watching. Jack is in his bathrobe with some little hottie blonde girl standing next to him. Ozzy jokes that while he's the "Prince of Darkness," Sharon is the Princess. What are the kids? Jack says he's the "Duke of Darkness," which Ozzy finds hysterical. He says that Kelly and Aimee are the "Duchesses of Darkness." The blonde girl is the "Girl-Who-Is-Fucking-Jack-With-Vague-Hopes-It'll-Help-Her-Acting-Career of Darkness." Sharon goes on to explain that this morning, the neighbor came over in her tennis gear to demand someone clean up the cat shit and wipe up the cat hair. The fam all freaks out -- while the blonde hangs out behind, wondering what's become of her life. They talk about the tennis balls and wonder what would happen if one hit Minnie. Sharon says that the woman would be something at the something of her something -- again, beeped out for legal reasons. But then Ozzy clearly says that they should get some landmines. Jack drug-babbles about landmines that they can turn on only at night when the dogs are all inside. Meanwhile, Ozzy is suddenly talking to some dude in the background who looks like a psychiatrist, who is also drinking a Corona. What the hell is going on? Jack continues on about injecting GHB into a wine bottle as the blonde wishes she could go brush her teeth. Everyone wonders what the fuck Jack is talking about as the blonde starts giggling hysterically (and desperately) and Sharon wonders if this is I Spy (no, no one would be watching if it were), and Ozzy is suddenly doing dumbbell curls again. This is the strangest fucking family of all time. Then Jack talks about shooting paintballs into the air and down onto her court. Ozzy gets serious and says, "You -- you -- you cannot do that, Jack."

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The Osbournes

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