The Osbournes
Tennis Racket

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Forty, No Love

Track. Ozzy and Body By Jake run.

Ozzy comes home and blows his nose in the kitchen as one of the little black dog spins around on the ground, trying to wipe his butt. Nasty. Ozzy goes to a closed door where there is a sign. Bitch Boy reads it. "Mojo the cat lives here. Do not open." Ozzy gets really pissed as Bitch Boy wonders why they have a new cat. Ozzy tells him not to even go there. That's right, girlfriend! He says he needs to go into that room to get his tuxedo for the dinner that night. Bitch Boy laughs that there's never a dull moment around here. Ozzy bitches that on Friday he told the family, "No more fucking animals." Shot of the dog still spinning on its butt. Ozzy babbles, and Bitch Boy suggests he should try reverse psychology and say do go out and get more animals. Ozzy says that he wants eagles and lions in the house. The cat meows from behind the door. Ozzy has his alert face on. Do you think he gets that from running, or just because he's chewing gum, or because this early in the morning he's usually not high or drunk yet?

Night. Moon. A coyote howls. Ozzy looks outside to see Lola on one side of the fence, "chasing" a coyote who is on the tennis court. Someone save Lola, man. That's like a fat Christmas ham for those coyotes. A cat yowls as Ozzy goes back inside.

Next time on… Jack and some dark-haired girl stand outside a door as Courtney Love suddenly comes out and runs past in panties. In the car, Kelly says that she thinks Courtney Love is one of the most intelligent people she's ever met in her entire life. What the fuck is going on? Courtney Love sits at a make-up table as Jack's blonde stands around and someone who may be the Corona-drinking shrink rubs Courtney Love's shoulders. She says in all seriousness, "I'm one of the only people alive who makes money off the internet." In the kitchen, Ozzy and Jack watch some Ronco food contraption cooking a ham. Ozzy says it's a "haunted spit." Jack wonders what the white stuff at the bottom is. "Smegma," says Ozzy. Courtney, still in panties, says they should go find "Brianne." She tells the camera people not to get her ass, though. I think we're in Courtney Love's house. Some golden retriever is there. Courtney calls for Brianne, and Jack's blonde comes walking out in slo-mo. The music swells as Jack puts his sunglasses on and stares at Brianne. Fireworks go off in the sky. And that's it. What a fucking crazy episode. See ya!

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The Osbournes

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