MONDO EXTRAS

House. Sharon tells the bitchy Kelly that they have to have a fitting for the Christmas show for Kelly. She is happy about having new clothes, but she doesn't want to wear Christmas-y clothes. They talk about Santa hats and shit. Sharon assures her. Sharon smiles evilly. CUT TO: the designer trying to Punk her, showing her ugly clothes. Kelly tries to play along, but it's a lame joke. Finally Kelly just walks away. But she has to stay for the family and continue the bit. Feh.

Party. Ozzy introduces Kelly. She gets up and sings "Have Yourself A Merry A Little Christmas." She sounds all right, except her "troubles" with the high notes are anything but "out of sight." During this we get black-and-white shots of past Osbourne Christmases. As Kelly sings actually pretty all right, Eddie Griffin almost falls asleep. The montage continues. The singing. The glass breaking. Hm. That was shockingly decent. I'm immediately deeply suspicious.

The party continues. C-list celebrities everywhere. Triumph. Doesn't Smigel get tired of himself?

Living room. The quasi-somebodies are gathered to do a reading of "'Twas The Night Before Christmas." JC says, "Dudes." Electra reads. Tracy Morgan ghettos it up, adding a reference to "Cristall." Eddie Griffin goes one step better, adding "blings" and "hos." Fantastic. A.A. pretends to laugh. But then he...hm. I guess the black folks get books already doctored? Because he and then Big Boi read nonsense. I'm confused, and I really don't care. Merry Christmas! I'm in the spirit now. Ozzy laughs. He's drunk. They thankfully truncate the shit out of the story, and we barely have to sit through it. Commercials.

Ozzy and Sharon. He spits out some chestnuts, in yet another failed bit.

Practice room. Bitch Boy and Ozzy are there with some daddy-o-looking dude with a beret and a blue and purple goatee. He reminds Ozzy that he's singing a duet with Jessica Simpson and they're going to rehearse Ozzy now. Daddy-o sings the beginning of "Winter Wonderland" in a Woody Allen voice, and Ozzy jumps up and yells about how he's the Prince of Darkness and he's not singing that and Bitch Boy is busting a gut. Others dutifully laugh their asses off. Daddy-o scrambles to keep his job. The piano guy starts again, and Daddy-o tells him it's going to be a comedy bit and Ozzy will sing all evil and Jessica will sing all pretty, and he does it and Ozzy laughs and then asks what's it for (the comedy special, they tell him) and he asks why Kelly can't do it. Because he will indeed do whatever Sharon tells him, that's why.