MONDO EXTRAS

He runs out and goes to Sharon and yells at her, pissed off. "Think of me, Sharon!" he says. He actually seems pissed, saying that he'll next be doing tampon commercials. Poor Ozzy, railing against his rep being tarnished. Sharon and Kelly dutifully let the old man fight the windmills some more until Sharon finally reminds him that there was a song he wanted to do, but he keeps yelling and leaves. Good for him. (Too bad it won't keep.)

Yup. CUT TO: Ozzy singing by the piano, all dressed up in his Bing Crosby hat. Jessica Simpson is there with him. Man, I never watch her dopey show, but she is one good-looking lady. She sexes up to him as she sings "Winter Wonderland."

Now they're in a snowy set, playing with a snowman. Some shtick with the carrot and Ozzy making it a carrot dick. Then they're trimming the tree. Sleighing shtick. Ooh -- in a bit of unfortunate foreshadowing, Ozzy falls off the sleigh onto his back. Yikes. The song continues as they throw snowballs and then hug, and Sharon comes in singing and Ozzy supposedly yells, "Sharon!!!" and...oh god, this is like recapping After M*A*S*H or watching Michael Jordan play basketball with the Wizards. Just a sad gloomy shell with all the joy removed. Ozzy and Jessica sip tea. Singing. Hugging. Clapping. So, that happened.

Triumph does roofie humor with the reindeer. Then the whole party is outside singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." The random friends-of-friends and MTV execs look embarrassed to be there. And they should be. The song eventually comes to a limping halt. "Now fuck off!" Ozzy yells, and people semi-laugh, the same laugh when Great-Uncle Jim tells the same joke he's been telling for the last thirty-five years. And...that's it.

Well...hm. What grade to give the show? Hmm...I'm going to have to sleep on that one. See ya!