The Osbournes
The Osbourne Family Christmas Special

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Nurse!

In the four months since the last episode, things have been quiet around the Osbourne household -- Ozzy had a public health scare and subsequently charged his doctor with overmedicating him, Sharon successfully launched a daytime talk show, Kelly moved out of the house and then back in, and Ozzy put himself in the hospital for six months by flipping his ATV. In that veritable vacuum of attention, what is there for a girl to do but force her family to host a Christmas special, about forcing her family to host a Christmas special! Let the meta non-fun begin!

House. Night. The door opens. We're upstairs. Ozzy and Sharon sleep. Ozzy dreams...

Dream. Violins play as Ozzy walks up his now rose-covered staircase. He enters the bedroom to find Britney Spears sitting on the bed, dressed provocatively, but ironically wearing more clothes than she usually does. Poor Britney. Her handlers force her to do frigging everything. Can't the girl ever get a nap? Her and Ozzy, the both of them must just be exhausted. While Ozzy's fantasy is to have sex with her, I'm sure hers would be getting to go to sleep for three days. Ozzy shuffles into the room and says, "It's Britney Spears!" I guess they blew the audio (no pun...) because they pipe in a voice-over of some girl saying, "Merry Christmas, Mr. Osbourne." Ozzy: "Fuck. Where's my Viagra when I need it?" Britney smiles. And then...oh, that's it. That was the whole joke. Hm.

Now Sharon dreams. Jessica Simpson's husband walks through the foyer lobby. Sharon hugs him and then says that he feels warm and makes him take off his leather jacket. Sharon tells Jessica Simpson's husband that it's much cooler upstairs. Upstairs, she asks Jessica Simpson's husband his opinion about "Demi and Ashton" and he says they have a real connection...oh, they're going with the whole "older woman younger man" thing. It's taking me a few beats to get the "jokes." I'm sure it's just my fault. She tells Jessica Simpson's husband to think about that and then miraculously appears a second later in a sexy outfit. Jessica Simpson's husband says he's been a little tense. She straddles him, and Producer Sharon forces Jessica Simpson's husband to recite lines about how he's been waiting for this...and they make out as a song I can only guess from its lack of melody and rhythm is by Jessica Simpson's husband plays. Kissing. Kissing. And the dream ends...to find a dog licking Sharon's lips. Ew. And, better this than the other.

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The Osbournes

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