The Osbournes
The Osbourne Family Christmas Special

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Nurse!

Boobilicious Kelly sits on Unfunny Claus's lap. Something about gold records and Santa being black.

Back to cooking. Ozzy whisks.

Back to Tracy. Triumph insults his acting. Tracy looks genuinely hurt.

Whisking. Ozzy says Sharon's the woman so she should be doing this. Then for some reason, Eddie Griffin comes by and tries to take over and do his shtick that's so tired it never even woke up. He proceeds to pour salt all over the place and fuck up the cookies. The funny part is, people are actually standing around watching. This is the worst party ever. Ozzy just walks away from Griffin's shtick.

Unfunny Claus has Jack cornered now. Jack wants a $30 million distribution deal, and a hooker. He tells Jack not to break the non-existent hooker. Jack leaves. Tracy makes a "Ho Ho Ho" joke ("Ho's" -- get it?) and then has to explain it to the camera.

Up next. Mandy Moore. Jack and Kelly get in the spirit. Ozzy tries to put lights together, and...you know what, who cares? Some shit is going to happen. You can wait. Commercials.

Oh boy. A new season starts on January 13th! It's going to be ATV-riffic!

Ozzy and Sharon sing "Jingle Bells" until he says that this is fucking stupid and stops. Ozzy tangles with lights. Totally staged. He says, "Sharon!" and walks away, muttering.

Dancing and singing chipmunks. Ozzy calls them stupid. He pounds on a laughing and dancing bear. Trash-talking gorilla. Ozzy hates it. He throws the dolls outside. Lola and a new bulldog (?) fight over them. Ozzy goes to Jack's door -- a trash-talking wreath talks shit, and Ozzy eventually walks away. Unfortunately, I can't do as much from this show.

Daytime now. Mandy Moore is at the door with gifts. For some reason Jack tells her to go away. In this lame staged thing, Mandy supposedly comes by every year to get the gloomy Kelly and Jack to wrap presents and stuff stockings and get in the Christmas mood. Mandy says nothing is going to get her down this year. Kelly says she does this each year and they hate Christmas -- but she says it's different this year. She gives Jack a gift which he throws away. Montage! Mandy makes snow angels with paper and scissors. Kelly cuts one in half. Mandy rolls out dough; Jack puts Lola up on the counter to eat it. Mandy's cookies are done; Jack laughs, because I guess she's eating dog-tainted cookies maybe? Mandy makes a wholesome letter to Santa. Kelly swears in hers. "No no no no no," Mandy says. It's great that they judged that Mandy ad-lib to be good enough to keep. What is the criteria? And what is a bad Mandy-ad lib, then? Jack shows up with a mistletoe cap. He chases her around the kitchen trying to hump her. But Mandy loves God and her cross-eyed boyfriend, so she won't do him. Now they make stockings. Sharon comes in, and they hold them up. Kelly's and Jack's make it so the three together read, "Mandy This Sucks." They're missing a comma, but who am I to nitpick? "No no no," Mandy repeats again. Hey, if it works for you once...

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The Osbournes

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