The Osbournes
The Osbourne Family Christmas Special

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Nurse!

Carolla makes the sauce and puts it onto the stove. He talks about unsweetened cranberry juice, and realizing that's going nowhere, starts ribbing Jack for being in recovery. Carolla calls the mixture "fried hell in a hand basket." Wow. Jack promises he'll make the stuff, and Carolla says he'll see him for Easter. Then he tells Jack, "I'll see you in hell." Whoa. That's not very cool.

Party. Party. Carmen Electra sits on Unfunny Claus's lap. Oh no, it's Eva Mendes. She asks if he's drunk. He tries to make her touch his candy cane. Sharon is nosy, butting into everyone's conversations. She tries to show the camera the dog's dress, but the cameraman doesn't even care.

We get a quick shot of something so disturbing, I can't talk about it right now. But it rhymes with "Onathan Ipnicki," and it hasn't aged well. It also may have something to do with looking exactly like a Sleestak, but we'll talk about it later.

Triumph sings with the dogs. The dogs jump at the puppet as he does shtick about "eating ass." He says that just because Anthony Anderson is the most famous person here, it doesn't mean the bar is lowered for quality. First of all -- ha. Second of all -- the quality bar couldn't be lower at this point. MVP: Most Valuable Primate had a higher quality bar.

Triumph does shtick with Anthony Anderson, asking him what he does. He says he does nothing. Triumph says that Ozzy is Satanic and A.A. is "a black mass." Hm.

Now we get a singing of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" with floaty quasi-celebrity heads in a computerized wintery landscape. Ozzy sings the first day. He's very loud and happy -- probably sober for once. Brendan Fraser decides to sing the second day in a totally different key. Kelly skips to fourth day, and is way out of her limited range; wow, her voice sounds bad here. Then someone sings the third day, but I'm not sure who it is. Mandy Moore, maybe? Brittany Snow? Then Triumph. Then the heroin addict Jason Mews (I think -- not that I just "think" Jason Mews is a heroin addict, I just think that's him, since they didn't pimp him at the beginning) with some high girl hanging on him and some Background Dude. Then Eddie Griffin way too close. Big Boi. The snoochie-boochies again. Wilmer (in what will be his sole appearance in the entire special). Ozzy. Sharon. Triumph. Snoochies. Big Boi with his mouth full of fronts and his elocution not what it used to be, before the fronts and the weed. Anthony Anderson actually sings, and pretty well. Whoa! JC Chasez looks crazy -- like David Copperfield. The girl who I've since found out is indeed Brittany Snow, from some NBC show I've never seen. Sharon. Jack. Mike Myers. (Mike Myers? I guess they did his movie.) Triumph. And then: Jonathan friggin' Lipnicki, dressed like Vanilla Ice. Holy shit! See, I didn't want to ruin it before. He looks crazy! All lispy and awkward, with braces and a Mohawk and old woman sunglasses and a hood and a gold chain. Holy shit. (Now, in his defense, I dressed a little bit like that when I was in seventh grade. But then in my defense, I didn't have agents or managers telling me to step away from the mousse.) Anthony Anderson, singing his fucking talented heart out. Kelly. JC. Brittany Snow. Ozzy swearing. Tracy Morgan singing all soft and sweet. Not trying to be funny, but being funny, which is sort of his comedy M.O. Triumph. Rob Zombie. Mike Myers. Mewes. Anderson. Triumph, making a "Tony Danza sucks" joke. Timely. Kelly. JC, trying to really sing and failing. Brendan. Lola. Anthony Anderson. Triumph, this time a Cher joke. (Not everything rhymes with "poop.") Tracy Morgan. I'm so tired. So very tired. Mike Myers. Triumph. Lisp-nicki! Poor kid had to say "geese," a word that strikes fear into the lispy pubescents everywhere. Anthony Anderson. Kelly. Snow. Triumph. Poop jokes again. And Ozzy ends it. Wow. That was something amazing. Commercials.

House. Sharon tells the bitchy Kelly that they have to have a fitting for the Christmas show for Kelly. She is happy about having new clothes, but she doesn't want to wear Christmas-y clothes. They talk about Santa hats and shit. Sharon assures her. Sharon smiles evilly. CUT TO: the designer trying to Punk her, showing her ugly clothes. Kelly tries to play along, but it's a lame joke. Finally Kelly just walks away. But she has to stay for the family and continue the bit. Feh.

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The Osbournes

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